#Your loss fart face

[macarthurpark]

thinking abt Stanley accidentally getting y/n pregnant teehee

he's at least sixty something and this man has drank enough Pitt cola to kill a horse so he thinks he's finally infertile, so what would you two have to worry about?

unfortunately both of y'all are idiots and are just agreeing with this halfassed science, raw dogging like some rabbits each chance you get till one day you're waking up with a sore chest and you're more emotional than usual, and holy shit when was the last time you had a period?

you're fine with this news. now you've got a little piece of this old fart you've somehow fallen head over heels for, and you're comfortable with your life so far. handling a baby is gonna be hard, duh, but you were getting bored with sitting at the mystery shack register by yourself anyway.

the issue is, how do you bring this up to Stan?

at first, you really do think that Stanley's just gonna escape on boat when you show him the test but all he does is sink to his knees. they do crack audibly, but the look on Stan's face keeps you from laughing or cracking a joke to break this silent tension.

"uhh.. Stan?" He's not even paying attention to you-- he's rubbing your still flat stomach and gazing at it with adoration, almost wonder. then you finally realize he's crying. he'd never thought he was going to be worth anything his entire life, especially after all the loss he'd faced.

but somehow, he's got his brother back, his shack is still paying the bills and then some, and now the one thing he'd never got to have-- a family of his own with a person he'd loved-- it's coming true?

finally he's looking up at you, your face a bit more confused and nervous than anything, because you still haven't heard what you needed to hear.

I want this kid as much as you do.

of course, the stubborn bastard isn't much of a softy to say that. with a good sniffle and a wipe of his eye, he gives a trembling grin.

"Oh, doll.. I'm gonna be so old when this little peanut grows up."

[a-killer-obsession]

I kinda wanna see 17 with an F and a W if you have time and inspiration~

Will You?

Prompt: First Time + Body Worship Additional Tags: virgin!reader, afab reader, she/her reader pronouns, loss of virginity, fingering, oral (receiving and brief giving), p in v sex, protected sex, use of ‘goddess’, reader is a strawhat, pretend Barto isn't almost 8 foot kay? WC: 4.1k

Event Masterlist

Dressrosa had been perhaps the most difficult battle you had ever been a part of, but with the help of Luffy's new allies it had been a victory, and now everyone was able to enjoy a celebratory drink on the deck of the Barto Club, which was now officially a part of Luffy's new fleet. Luffy wasn't happy with the idea of having subordinates, but he was pleased to have so many new friends, and so were you. You sat with a group of them, mostly your own crew but many of the new faces as well, sharing drinks and laughing over a game of ‘Never Have I Ever’.

The game had started tame, mostly silly things like never have I ever farted and blamed it on someone else, never have I ever poured a drink on a stranger, everyone drinking whenever the prompt applied to them, but as the night went on and people got drunker, the prompts turned more sexual in nature. For most of the group it was good fun, but you were painfully inexperienced with these things, never having gone further than a heated makeout session at a party when you were still a teenager. It wasn't that you didn't have needs or desires, you were just unbearably shy about it, having been raised in a conservative family that drilled a sense of taboo into you. You could have asked someone on your crew, but you felt uncomfortable with the idea of having to see them on a daily basis if you weren't in a relationship. You weren't against the idea of a fuck buddy or a fling, but you got flustered easily, so you didn't want it to be with someone you were close to. It didn't leave you with many options, since sailing with Luffy was so chaotic it usually left no room to explore. You wished Kuma had sent you somewhere more useful on that front during the two years you'd been away from the crew, but you'd spent your time with essentially an army of children, barely seeing any other adults at all for two whole years.

The captain of the ship you were on, Bartolomeo the Cannibal, had been paying close attention to you throughout the game. He was somewhat of a Straw Hat superfan, his ship even featured Luffy as a figurehead, and among the Straw Hat women he found himself most attracted to you. You were an unreachable object for him though, a goddess in his eyes, so he watched you fondly from afar with no hope that he would ever have a taste of you. He was fine with that, he very much enjoyed just being in your presence, seeing you smile and soaking up your laughter. He noticed though, as the questions turned more risky, that you stopped drinking. He wondered if you were too shy to answer, or if you truthfully hadn't done any of those things. He would never embarrass you by bringing attention to it though, he had too much respect for you. The same couldn't be said for Zoro though, who had also noticed.

“Oi, [y/n],” he laughed, half drunk, “you're supposed to drink when you've done the thing, you ain't drinkin’!”

“I… haven't done any of these things,” you blushed, folding in on yourself. You weren't proud of your lack of experience, you were a full grown woman, a pirate at that, and you felt like you were lagging behind your peers and it made you self conscious. Not that there was anything wrong with not having sex, Luffy didn't participate because he had no interest, everyone knew that, but you felt ashamed of yourself because you were interested, you just lacked the courage to do anything about it. There was an awkward silence amongst the group and Barto felt terrible for you, if he wasn't such a fan of Zoro he would have fought him for putting you on the spot like that.

“There's no shame in not wanting sex,” Barto broke the silence, trying to come to your aid, “not everyone has those desires. There's no need to feel ashamed, [y/n]-senpai.”

“Eh?” Zoro huffed, “but I hear you talking about how hot dudes are all the time!”

You felt like Zoro was targeting you at this point, even if he didn't mean to, he was just a very direct person. “I… it's not that I don't want to,” you mumbled, “I just haven't…”

“You're a virgin, [y/n]?” Nami asked with raised brows, “I never expected that!”

“Can we change the subject please,” you whined, “I don't want to talk about it anymore.”

“Of course, [y/n]-senpai!” Barto replied, and you breathed a sigh of relief as he quickly came up with another question for the game to move the spotlight. “Never have I ever… eaten food out of the trash!”

You gave Barto a thankful smile at the way he gracefully steered the game away from sexual topics, and he responded with his own sharp smile, a small blush on his face that you would grace him with such a pretty smile meant only for him. Everyone groaned as Luffy expectantly drank, of course he'd eaten out of the trash, nobody was surprised.

You excused yourself from the game not long after as people began to tire and head to bed. Your mind was swimming, you felt so awkward about what had happened, and you wanted so badly to change it. Now that everyone knew your secret, you were more determined than ever to change it. You'd laid in your bed for what felt like an eternity, tossing and turning, trying to figure out what to do, when a thought occurred to you. You were on a ship full of people you wouldn't see again for a long time, if ever. People who idolized you and your crew. This was the perfect opportunity to do something about it, and you had just the person in mind to help. The one who had come to your aid earlier like a knight in shining amour, and just so happened to be exceptionally attractive.

You readied yourself as best you could, showering and shaving practically your entire body and putting on your best panties under your pyjamas. Then you took a deep breath and made your way to the captain's quarters, steadying yourself as you knocked with a shaky hand.

Barto answered swiftly, and you couldn't help but bite your lip at his appearance. He always had his torso on display so you knew he was muscular and tattooed, but it was different now that his arms were exposed too. He was clearly ready for bed, his makeup removed, his mohawk styling gel washed out and green hair set in a bun, with pyjama pants featuring a repeating pattern of the Straw Hat jolly roger set low on his hips, showing off the V that led under the waistband, the trail of green hair below his belly button. He looked surprised to see you, immediately opening his door the whole way with a small blush on his face.

“[Y/n]-senpai, is everything okay?” He asked anxiously.

“I um…” fuck, now that you were here you were struggling to get the words out, “can I come in?” That seemed like as good of a start as any. He moved aside for you and you entered his room, observing the decor as he quietly shut the door, sensing you wanted to speak about something privately. His walls were decorated with pictures of Straw Hats, every wanted poster ever printed, clippings from newspapers, fanart he'd drawn himself. It was adorable, really - for such a scary looking man with a scary reputation, it was adorable how much he loved your crew.

“Did you need something from me?” Barto asked as he stood behind you. You kept your back to him, hoping it would help you be a little braver if you didn't have to look him in the eye.

“Yeah um… this is awkward, sorry,” you mumbled.

“Take your time, [y/n]-senpai,” he replied softly.

“It's… about earlier,” you explained, taking a deep breath, “I… was wondering if you'd… take my virginity.”

Barto was dead silent behind you, and you felt tears of rejection pricking the corners of your eyes, before you finally turned to see Barto was beet red, looking at you like his iris were practically heart shaped. He'd physically stopped breathing, and you had to snap your fingers in front of him to bring him back to reality before he passed out from lack of oxygen. A bulge grew in his pants at the mere concept of even kissing you.

“Barto? Are you okay?” You asked, “you can say no. I just thought… maybe you would like me enough to help me out. I don't want to be scared of sex anymore. But it's okay if you don't want to, I won't be upset at you.”

“But, with me?” Barto squeaked out, “a beautiful goddess like you could have anyone! I'm not worthy!”

You giggled a little at his response, feeling a little more confident because of it. You understood now that he wasn't at risk of rejecting you, he was just overly surprised you would even consider sleeping with him. “Will you show me, Barto?” You asked again, “will you make me feel good? I don't have any experience other than a little kissing, you'll have to guide me.”

“Of- of course, senpai!” He quickly responded, “anything! I'd do anything for you! I'll make you feel so good! I promise!”

“What… what do I do?” You asked him, feeling a little awkward just standing in the middle of his room. He could see how unsure you were, and was worried you would change your mind if he didn't step up and take charge.

“Come lay on the bed with me,” he suggested, “I'll take the lead, you just tell me if you don't like something, or if you want to stop, okay? Or if there's something you want me to do, just tell me. I'll be gentle with you, I promise.”

“Okay,” you replied quietly, taking his offered hand and letting him lead you to his bed. You felt your heart race as you laid beside him, and he held you so gently, pushing the stray hair out of your face as you both lay on your sides facing each other. Barto shuffled closer, his body now pressed against yours, and you made a small needy whimper as you felt his erection against your front, electricity coursing through your body in anticipation and pooling at your core despite the fact he hadn't even kissed you yet. You were so very pent up, you had no doubt he'd have you squirming in no time at all.

“I'm going to kiss you now, okay?” He spoke in hushed words, like he was afraid of spooking you, his mouth so very close to yours. His sharp teeth scared you a little, but you trusted that he wouldn't hurt you. You nodded and closed your eyes, and soon you felt his mouth pressing against yours. You let out a soft sigh at the feeling, returning the pressure as you both set to a slow, tender rhythm and your hands wrapped around his shoulders. His tongue ran over the seam of your lips, silently asking permission, and you parted for him, letting his tongue slip into your mouth and making a quiet moan as it pressed against yours. You felt a throbbing between your legs and rolled your body against him, trying to find friction. He seemed to understand your need as he carefully pulled your thigh to rest over his hip, allowing you to grind against his bulge, which served to make both of you moan. It felt good, so you kept grinding against him, the kiss quickly growing more heated as it became less awkward and you both grew needy.

Barto broke the kiss first, trailing soft pecks along your jawline till he met your neck. He made gentle nips at your skin, not enough to hurt but enough to make you whine at the sensation, occasionally sucking or running his tongue over your skin as he moved down to your collarbone, pulling your shirt neckline out of the way to access it. His hands worked carefully at the buttons on your shirt, until he was able to open it and expose your breasts, rolling you on to your back so he could admire them in all their glory for a moment.

“You're so beautiful, goddess,” he cooed, taking a breast in one hand and groping it gently, running his thumb over your pert nipple. The sensation made your hips roll, Barto now kneeling between your legs as he hovered over you, making a quiet groan as the roll of your hips ground your core against him. He brought his mouth back down, taking the other breast in his mouth and laving it with his tongue, making you moan as he sucked and tugged at your nipple.

“Ah, that feels good,” you moaned, running your hands through the messy loose part of his hair. He kissed and licked across your chest to the other tit, giving it the same tender treatment as the first. You had no doubt your pussy was dripping wet by now, every small movement from Barto making you more aroused and needy for him. He looked up at you with puppy dog eyes as his mouth ventured further south, kissing your soft tummy and hooking his fingers under the waistband of your pants. You lifted your hips for him and he slid both your pants and panties off, throwing them to the floor. You took the opportunity to fully remove your shirt as well, leaving you entirely bare to him. He felt like he might cum from that sight alone, seeing you laid out on his bed, your soft skin entirely exposed to him, your pussy on display as you spread your legs in a silent plea for him to relieve the tension that was building in you.

“Fuck,” Barto groaned, admiring your body, “you're so fucking beautiful, so incredibly sexy, my perfect goddess.”

“Barto,” you whined, “touch me, please.”

“Of course, goddess,” he replied, flattening himself against the bed with his head between your legs. He kissed your thighs, nuzzling against them, and you could feel the threat of his sharp fangs against your soft skin as he moved. “Gonna make you feel so, so good, goddess.”

You felt like you were going to cum immediately as his thumb made contact with your clit, a sharp whine escaping you as you bucked. He used his hands to spread your labia, rolling your clit with his thumb as his mouth watered at the sight of you, already so very wet for him. He could die happy now, he thought, now that he'd seen your pussy glistening for him. Greedily he brought his mouth to your cunt, groaning into you as he ran his tongue through your folds and tasted your honey. You couldn't contain your moans as he sucked and lapped at your clit, occasionally running his tongue over your entrance, your coil already pulling tight from the stimulation he was giving you. His hair fell out of the bun it'd been tied in as you pulled on it, and he whined at your hands tugging at his hair, as your hips rolled and you rode against his face and tongue, seeking your high that was so very very close. Barto tucked his hand under his chin and toyed with your entrance with just his middle finger, and as he slid it slowly inside you your coil violently snapped. You screamed as you gushed against his tongue, and unknown to you, Barto came as well, making a mess in his pants entirely untouched, so aroused by your sounds and taste that he couldn't help but whine and soil his underwear. He never softened though, too turned on by the promise of deflowering you, his dick twitching eagerly as he waited patiently to be buried inside you.

You barely had time to recover from your orgasm before he was pushing another figure inside you, pumping it in and out of your virgin hole and stretching you slowly. He was being so very careful and patient, not adding a third finger until he was sure he wouldn't hurt you. You were so very wet and relaxed from your orgasm though that it was easy for him to prepare you, still sucking on your clit and occasionally kissing your thighs or tummy.

“Barto,” you whined, “I want you inside me.”

Barto groaned against your cunt and slowly pulled his fingers from you, giving you one last fat stripe with his tongue and sucking your honey off his fingers. You sat up and watched eagerly as he knelt and began to remove his pants. You gasped as his cock sprang free, thicker and longer than you ever thought possible and covered in piercings. You wondered if you should have picked someone smaller for your first time, you struggled to imagine how he was going to fit inside you. He saw the hint of fear on your face and quickly tried to assure you.

“I'll be gentle, I promise,” he said softly, “I won't put it the whole way in if you can't take it, even just a little will feel good.”

Out of curiosity you leaned forward and touched him, the skin on his cock being more velvety than you expected as you made a careful stroke, scared of hurting him because of the piercings. Precum beaded at the tip and you ran your thumb over the slit, collecting the fluid before bringing it to your mouth and licking it off. Barto whined at the lewd motion, and thought he might combust as you leaned further forward, getting on all fours in front of him as you ran your tongue over the head of his cock, savouring the salty taste of his precum and the cum that still coated it a little.

“Oh fuck,” Barto groaned as you experimentally took the head of his cock in your mouth, sucking on it like it was a popsicle and bobbing your head back and forth a little. You weren't confident that you could take more than a few inches, and he was so thick that your lips struggled to stretch around him, so you stroked the rest of his shaft with your hand. He wrapped his hand around yours, guiding you to add more pressure and speed, and you caught on quickly. “Just like that, oh fuck just like that. That feels so fucking good.”

The way you were looking up at him with wide doe eyes, like you were trying to confirm you were doing a good job, had him ready to cum again. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine he'd ever see your pretty lips wrapped around his cock, and he was committing the sight to his memory. You pulled off his cock with a pop, your pussy feeling so very empty, desperate to feel him inside you. “Want you, Barto,” you mewled.

“I'll give you what you want, goddess,” he hummed, “lay on your back again for me, beautiful.”

You did as he asked, while Barto hurriedly leaned over to his side table and fumbled through the top drawer. He pulled a condom from it and quickly put it on, and you spread your legs wide for him as he settled between them, biting your lip in anticipation.

“You sure about this?” He asked you, “we don't have to go the whole way if you don't want to.”

“I want it, please,” you begged, “I want it so bad. Fill me Barto, please.”

You mewled as he loomed over you and lined himself up, the fat head of his cock pressing against your entrance. He knew that despite all his preparation, you would still hurt a little as he entered you, having never been stretched so far before and knowing he was hardly small. “It's going to hurt a little at first, but I promise it won't be for long, okay?” He cooed. You gave him a nervous nod and he leaned down to kiss you, giving you a distraction from the stinging pain as he slid inside you. You wove your hand through his hair and gripped hard for support, the nails of your other hand digging into his back. Little by little he buried his length into you, until he met his base, fully sheathed inside your cunt.

“There you go, goddess,” Barto purred, “you took all of me, you're so incredible. Tell me when you feel okay for me to move, okay?”

“Mmm,” you hummed back, feeling the sting fade to pleasure, every inch of you filled by his impressive cock. Every tiny adjustment he made pressed against sensitive areas you didn't even know existed, and soon you were squirming underneath him at the fill alone. “Need- need you to move.” You whined.

He pulled out slowly, only his tip remaining inside you, making you take a sharp inhale that was quickly knocked out of you as he thrust back in. He was slow, but it was such a foreign feeling that you couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. He started a steady rhythm of slow, deep thrusts, and your nails nearly broke the skin on his back as your legs wrapped around him, ankles locking against his ass. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck,” you repeated like a mantra as he pumped his cock in and out of you, Barto equally effected by how your gummy walls held him tight as he groaned and whined in your ear, his breath hot against your neck. He kissed you hard and you used your feet to force him to move faster and harder, his pace gradually increasing as you both lost control and your kiss grew sloppy and desperate. Neither of you could be expected to last long like this, and you were moaning loud enough for the whole ship to hear as you broke the kiss, Barto burying his head against your shoulder.

“Ah- so good-” you moaned, holding Barto tight as he started to slam into you at a brutal pace, “fuck, I'm gonna cum again.”

“Cum for me, goddess,” Barto groaned, nipping and sucking at the delicate skin on your neck, “gonna cum too, fuck, you're so tight.”

“I- fuck, Barto~” you went almost silent as your whole body tensed around him, seeing white as you began to tremble, pulling him with you as your pussy clenched around his cock. He gripped the headboard above you hard enough to crack it as he unloaded into the condom, his whole body shaking as he came hard before collapsing against you. You squeezed him tight, not wanting to let go as you panted, nuzzling your face against his in a dizzy afterglow. His warm skin felt so good against yours, you felt like you could stay like this forever.

Barto couldn't though, he needed to discard the condom before he grew too soft, so with a disappointed whine he pulled out. He kissed your mouth softly, then your forehead, holding your face in both hands before getting out of the bed to clean up. As the captain his bedroom had an attached bathroom, and after cleaning himself off he brought a damp cloth to the bedside, cleaning you carefully and pressing kisses to your skin as he worked. He threw the cloth to the floor as you pulled him close and tangled your limbs with his, nuzzling against his tattooed chest while his arms wrapped around you. He pulled the blanket up to cover you both, sensing you were close to falling asleep.

“Can I stay?” You mumbled against his chest.

“Of course,” he kissed your hair, “you can have the whole damn ship if that's what you want, I'd give you the world if you wanted it.”

“Mmm,” you hummed, “you're so sweet. Thank you, Barto. That was nice. I feel… really good.”

“I'm glad,” he replied, resting his head against the top of yours, “I'd do anything for you, [y/n]-senpai, I'd lay down my life. You only need ask. I should be thanking you for allowing me the honour of even being in your presence.”

“You're so goofy, Barto,” you giggled, before letting out a long yawn, “go to sleep, goofball.”

“As you wish, goddess,” he yawned back, sure that he was about to have the best sleep of his life with you in his arms, and also sure that he'd wake up from this dream soon, because it could not possibly be real.

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Taglist: @daydreamer-in-training @chairmanraph @florcxo @luvnistuff @nocturnalrorobin @fanaticsnail

[the-soliloquies-of-sadists]

#383

“Hello, you must be the asseater….  After you pick up your jaw from the floor, c’mon in.  I usually get that result from fag asseaters.  When I’m at home, I don’t wear clothing.  Shut up.  I don’t need to know your name.  I ain’t going to carry on much of a conversation with you.  Besides, your tongue is going to be doing something else worthwhile.

“Follow me in here.  I have my rim chair set up and my porn ready to go.  I had it specially made for my size and my needs.  Seeing that you are going to be under me for hours, I’m gonna let you use the platform to elevate your torso to the right height. 

“What the fuck are you doing?  Nobody told you to strip.  I have zero interest in your naked body, and you certainly won’t be jacking off in my house.  You answered my ad on that fag site looking for an asseater who will eat my hairy crack for hours.  The only reason why I use faggots is that women don’t eat ass, and if they do, they don’t know how to do it right, let alone for hours at a time.  You faggots are willing to do it all.  I don’t have to buy you flowers or take you to dinner.  No, my fat ass is your dinner.

“Get under it.  You’ll see this contraption is made for long term shithole worship.  That netting is where your head goes.  The designer called it a head hammock.  It supports your head as it keeps your face firmly in my crack, angling it to allow the deepest penetration from your tongue.

“This is my favorite part of this chair.  When I sit down, my weight pushes down on this chin guard which goes below your chin prohibiting you from pulling out.  The only way you get out is when I get up.  If I lock it in place, then you ain’t getting out. 

“You get the picture?  You mean nothing to me other than your tongue slurping on my shithole and cleaning my crack for hours at a time.

“You drink piss?  My full time asseater I had in Cleveland drank my piss; he begged me to give it to him.  There’s no way in hell that I’m going to stick my dick in any faggot, so I used a funnel on him.  If you want my piss, I can have a funnel nearby.  He was a total pig.  I assume you are too.

“Look up at my ass.  This is what you are going to worship the next few hours.  I worked out in the yard this morning, then I went to the gym.  It’s going to be rank in there.  And even though I wiped this morning, being as hairy as I am, I’ll probably have some dingleberries for you.  And should I fart, consider that me blowing you a kiss. 

“You ready to be what you were meant to be?  You do a good job, when I blow my load in my hand, I’ll wipe it on my asshole and have you lick it off…. 

“That got a smile out of you.  Now stick out that tongue as far as you can.  I need to have a seat….

“…Don’t start gagging.  You are going to be down there for hours, you get used to it.  Now stick your tongue in deep.  Like thaaaaat.  Fuuuuck.  Oh man.  Fuck yeah faggot.  Fuck yeah….

“I don’t understand why more men don’t use faggots like you like this.  But hey their loss is my gain.” 

[dansformations]

"This is life"

Tags: Male tfs, dumbification, IQ loss, fart kink, burp kink.

"Now this Is life" i said to myself while entering to my apartament. Since i gave that potion to my big brother, im living like a man should.

See, my big brother was always too polite, to strict, like an adult, i Guess he took the dad role since my dad leave us, so even when were just us two, it was like living with an stric dad.

"Dont leave the dirty clothes in the floor" "Dont Belch at the table!" "No marihuana!" "Clean the toilet seat, u gross!"

I was so sick of It. So i check and check in the weirdest places of the internet until i found a site that said that rigthfully could change peoples personality. It looked like a scam... But was worth trying. Just 3 days after a package arrived.

"Only put this oil in a drink, put some scent of the person you wanna 'the turned' be like, and then make sure 'the turned' drink It" - said the handmade intructions.

I put some soda in a glass, the oil and... Why not? I take my undies off and dip it in the drink for half of minute, then just left the wet undies in a corner of the room.

I gave it to my brother saying it was an 'Peace offer', he was surprised, and took it with an smile. First sip. All ok. Second sip. Confused face. Third sip...

- It tastes a little bit fu-UUUUURRRP - his talking turned into a big, deep, belch, he got Blushed - oh, excuse m-EEEEERRP AURRRP- You little fuck! What did You put in my drink!?

- Just something... To relax you

He tried to get up from the couch but when he bend, a Big, rumbly and smelly fart came out from his ass, he was looking shock.

- Good one bro! -told Him.

- Haha i know - he said, then he realiced - wait, what? No! That was gro-UUUUUAAARRRRRRRP - He Belched again- that was a combo! - he laughed

- Exactly! Why don't you finish your drink? Full that Tank of combos, big bro

He looked confused for a moment, like trying to remenber something, but at the end he shrugged and drank the rest of his drink, sealing his new personality.

- The first one is coming lil bro - he said with a lower tone, then he Open his mouth and...- UUUUUUUUUARRRRRRP -lifted his leg and- PFFFFFFRRTRTTTTTFFFRT

We both laugh together, which wasnt usual. Since that day things changed, no more scolding, no more laundry or cleaning, deliveries instead of cooking, gym and no showers, weed and beers everytime we want, burping and farting on the table or any other place, even each other faces. I never tough we could get a long this good... And i Guess we couldnt, my new brother is basically a copy of me, thats why we finally get along but... Who cares?

"Now this Is life" i said to myself while entering with wings for lunch to our messy, smelly apartament, the familiar stench says hi to me and i breath it happily.

- Finally broski, i was hungry so had to eat pizza while waiting - he said

- Still have room for the wings?

He lied on his chair, lifted a leg and rip a a lot of farts out, the stench quickly take over the room, and i just laugh while fan away the stench with my hands.

- Now i do - he said with a smile

Man, this is life.

[heavypressure]

You eat your roommates leftovers before going to a party. What you don't know is that they were tired of you eating all their food and laced it with burping power. What both of you don't know it that you have really bad reactions to burping powder that makes you produce gas faster than you can burp and causes increased hunger and loss of awareness. It kicks in about an hour into the party.

Oh my... I'd be pleasantly surprised at first after i realised I'm still hungry, even after clearing out half of the fridge at home. Sure, I'm a little bit stuffed, but i can't just skip out on free pizzas, tacos and other fast food!

There's enough food at the party to stuff 50 people, absolute heaven! As soon as i get there, I'm almost immediately drawn to the table. Whatever, I'll talk to people afterwards, I'm just really hungry for some reason... I notice that my belly has been slowly bloating up for the past hour or so.. eh, surely that's a normal thing for me, especially if i eat so much.. i think to myself, and almost immediately, i can feel massive gas bubbles forming inside my guts, inflating me from the inside, and some if them quickly rise up, causing me to uncontrollably belch outloud, catching the attention of some people around

Okay, that's... Very embarrassing, and a bit weird, especially since i don't feel any relief from that.. on the contrary, my stomach seems to get only tighter and tighter every second .. But whatever, I'm still not finished eating! I'm like what, only one whole and a half pizzas in? My belly is really loud and rumbly, but that's just because I'm still unbelievably hungry.. and these tacos look delicious... I belch loudly again and begin to stuff my face again

About 15 minutes later, I'm still eating, i just can't stop.. I burp almost every minute, i need to somehow find the space in my guts for more food.. I can feel the skin on my stomach stretch with every gulp, gases brewing deep inside me and inflating me more every second. My lower intestine is so bloated, i feel like i might burst if I don't let it out somehow... I can't go to the bathroom to let out some farts, i need to finish my meal! Ugh, I don't care if other people are here too... I let out a huge, long, thunderous fart, followed by a smaller burp.. finally, i felt some slight relief, though it's probably not for long

I look down at my hard bulging ball of a gut as i massage it... I didn't notice at all how i became to look pregnant with twins.. My belly is tight and riddled with stretch marks, my poor intestines struggling to digest all of the greasy food i crammed into it.. buttons on my shirt and pants are long gone, my gurgling middle hanging out from the edge of my seat for all to see. I feel another fart rip out of my ass as my stomach bubbles ominously, and that quickly snaps me back to continue eating. I can't stop stuffing myself with more greasy food, my poor belly roaring and stretching beyond it's limits, getting bigger every minute until it almost reaches the floor . All i can do is fart and burp constantly just to not explode from all of the food and gas inside me... I fail to notice how i became the main spectacle of the party, half naked, disgustingly swollen gas bag that managed to eat almost everything at the table..

[partycatty]

dilf!johnny cage > to heal

how it goes when reader dates older johnny following the loss of sonya

warnings: grief, age gap, mentions of sex but no smut written

notes: i want to gnaw on dilf johnny until he is nothing but bones. it is for that reason that this post is LONG. yappasaurus rex over here.

masterlist <3

•first of all mk11 was so bad at covering the grief of a man losing the mother of his child

•then again that also implicates that johnny is really, really good at hiding his emotions, especially around the people he's meant to be stoic around. i wouldn't necessarily cry in front of a thunder god or cryomancer either. and i'd try to keep it together for my kid.

•regardless, johnny falls into a deep, DEEP depression that eats away at him. he should have been there on that mission. he should've canceled that ninja mime shooting and spent one more day with his family before it was completely wrecked. and he'll tell himself this every time he looks at cassie's empty eyes. he stays sober, for her, but god does he wish he could just feel nothing sometimes.

•johnny stays smiles and jokes, but as soon as he closes the door to his sleeping quarters, all he can do is blankly stare ahead. damn him and his acting skills. he wants people to check up on him, but it's just so... hard to express his pain.

•some time passes and he considers himself recovered, but every time he sees his daughter excel in training or lips smile in the way sonya's did... god.

•imagine his surprise when his own daughter asks him to get back into the dating scene. cassie says something along the lines of "you're a sad old fart that needs a woman to get him off of the couch."

•cassie's right, unfortunately. johnny let his stubble grow in and hair grow increasingly wild. he didn't carry himself as well as he once did, which was especially worrying to those who saw him as the confident, sharp, charismatic character.

•johnny declines to his daughter, finding the conversation kind of off-putting. but, on a late tuesday, he decides "fuck it" and sets up a bumble profile while sitting on the classic leather dad recliner in the living room. the one thing he forgot to do? set an age range.

•so he's a little taken aback when a 29 year old you is the third person he swiped to. instinctively, he thought to swipe left on you, but curiosity got the better of him. he read your profile and realized you sounded incredibly mature and had the same interests as him. covering his mouth and holding his phone with the other, he swipes... right, feeling an immediate intense guilt.

•he doubted you'd match with him, but as soon as he swipes, a big "IT'S A MATCH!" covers his phone screen and he lets out an audible gasp, tightening his grip on his face. he then gets a twinge of embarrassment for himself. was he seriously flipping his shit over his first match on a mobile dating app? yes.

•johnny spends a good long while staring at the screen, wondering if you'd even message him. after all, men couldn't message first on the app. what if she thinks he's too old? what if it was an accidental swipe? what if...

•NEW MESSAGE! "hiii :)" johnny swallows, afraid to open the message. what would he say? what should he say? does bumble have read receipts? would you notice he opened your message and stared for several minutes?

•he settles on "hello, how are you?" it's been a while since he's had to genuinely flirt with interest, so he opens cordially. johnny was a charmer for sure, but this time he was playing for keeps, not just for fun. he also, unlike his younger version he met some time ago, wants to take his time.

•you two chat back and forth, and while you acknowledge to him that he is indeed a celebrity (and how hilariously stupid it was that he was on a public dating site), you express no real concern over it. you mention to him that you want to see him as a man and not a character. the deeper conversation of dealing with the spotlight could come another time, as johnny didn't want to scare you away.

•you two text for a lot longer than most matches on bumble. johnny's honestly terrified of meeting up in person. he wants to be so incredibly sure that it's you he wants to meet up with. he forgot to keep swiping, even. he was so fixated on getting to know you. he felt weird talking to multiple women on the app, since he was so used to married life.

•he can't bring himself to ask you on a real date, so you two settle on a friendly coffee chat. he shaves, gets a trim, and for the first time in a long time, stresses about wearing the right things. he even calls cassie and asks if he should wear shirt A or shirt B, but was very keen on redacting your age from the conversation. that was something he was afraid to disclose to her.

•what was this man so afraid of?? you are a SWEETHEART. you're so incredibly mature, have more "vintage" interests and asked so many questions, leaning in to listen. johnny didn't feel the need to perform, in fact, he found himself... with butterflies. he death-gripped his coffee to hide the fact that his fingers were trembling.

•one coffee chat turns into two, and then three, four, and eventually, he feels okay enough to plan a real date. his heart was swelling with excitement, a new warmth in his chest. you were so effortlessly patient and kind with him, never asking for anything of him besides his time.

•he plans a dinner date, squeezing you two into a lavish restaurant that he wouldn't have been able to get into if he wasn't a celebrity. he didn't want to overwhelm you with his money and fame, but god did he want to do this right. even though the topic of money was something you never thought to consider with him, he still wanted to show off at least a little bit. it's just in his character!

•there, he starts to come out of his shell a bit more. he starts flirting back, and you two hold hands across the table, intense eye contact as you converse freely.

•johnny takes a sip of his drink, looking down. but when he looks back up, he notices you admiring him with your sweet young eyes. and it's here that he realizes just how much you've revitalized him. he springs out of bed with a smile. you're the last thought in his mind before he falls asleep. when he is with cassie, he can't stop thinking about how much you two would get along.

•which, by the way, johnny is so incredibly sure to remind you that he has a daughter that's your age. you pause and think, trying to articulate your thoughts on the awkward circumstance.

•"i understand that it may be a little uncomfortable for her and the last thing i want is to drive a wedge between you and your daughter. you speak highly of her and i deeply admire that. i perfectly understand that she comes before me."

•johnny stops himself from tearing up. you're... just so kind. you're perfect.

•after the ninth date, he decides that he's ready to go back to your place. it's a quaint apartment, and it's there that you both make the conscious decision to have sex.

•it's slow and sweet, he's murmuring praises into your bare skin as he takes his time exploring a new body. older johnny takes his time with sex unlike his younger days. he needs to appreciate your beauty, complimenting every feature on your body. you're so divine.

•"such a pretty girl..." he whisper-groans above you, strong hands holding your hips in place with a passionate firmness.

•over the next couple months, he's still working toward officially calling you his girlfriend. a new partner in his life scares him, even if you make all of that tension disappear when you're around. it's just a lot to ask of a man to take that new step again.

•biting the bullet, he asks you at your doorstep holding a cheesily large bouquet, having to glance over it to get a proper look at you. you smile sweetly, nodding and immediately accepting in that gentle voice. you knew how much this meant to him to make things official.

•cassie eventually gets the chance to meet you, as her father brings you along to a holiday party with the family. it's... it's a little weird, she won't lie. i mean, it's just weird in general to see your dad with someone that isn't your mom. that's something that naturally needs time to adjust to. and your age isn't something she can avoid discussing.

•she doesn't hate you. she actually finds you quite enjoyable to be around! she's just a little uneasy that you're her age. but, after a long, long talk full of tears and reassuring words, cassie realizes she can learn to accept you being with her dad. i mean, she sees what you do to him.

•that sparkle in his puppy-dog brown eyes is back, and he just can't stop being engulfed by your presence. a hand is always on the small of your back, a grin always plastered on his face, and eyes are always locked onto you when you're doing the most mundane of tasks. he's chirpier, and people even joke that he seems as active as he was in his younger years. you got the old man's rusty gears turnin'!

•he loves you. he didn't realize he could do that again.

[alexa-fika]

Picky eaters, Tricky givers( Mihawk x gn!sick!child!reader)

A/N: Here is to the anon that requested a sick scenario with mihawk, but my brain farted massively and wasn’t able to understand the request, maybe I ‘ll have something in a bit for you to make up for it 👀 Yall did I or did I not COOK WITH THAT TITLE IM SO SMART AND COOL AND HYPE

I hope you get well soon anon : ( and thank you for your kind words!

Dividers by @/saradika

Mihawk enters his child’s room, ready to awaken them from their long slumber

“Reader, it is now noon; you should not be in bed at this time.”

A groan is all he receives as sniffles escape the bundle of blankets

Mihawk sighs and shakes his head as he starts pulling the mountain of blankets that laid on the bed.

“No matter how often I try, you are so difficult to awake...Come now; it is time to get up.” He said pulling the covers all the way

They groan at the loss of heat, sweat covering their body and face red, heavy breaths leaving the child

Mihawk sharp eyes were quick to notice the sweat covering the child’s body and his flushed red skin.

“You’re ill...” the swordsman states

“Im not…” they mumble, squeezing their eyes tighter before slightly opening them, eyes dazed

The child’s voice was barely audible to Mihawk; having to slightly lean closer to properly make out what they were saying.

Mihawk’s eyes furrow upon hearing his child’s reply and seeing their hazy and dazed eyes.

Even though they tried to deny being sick, it was clear that something was awry.

“That is highly unlikely given your current state,” Mihawk said, glancing at the small child, putting his hand over their forehead gingerly

“Im okay, look, im okay,” they drawled, pulling themselves up

Mihawk’s eyebrows furrowed as he watched his child attempt to get up, Sighing as he put biscuits hands on their shoulders to push them back into the bed

“Lay Down”

“You are clearly unwell; I can see your body temperature rising, and you are drenched in sweat... You are clearly unwell... Do not oppose me on this... I will not allow you to leave your bed until you are in full health,” Mihawk spoke sternly yet calmly.

The navy warlord’s eyes were fixated on his child as if trying to gauge the severity of their health.

“Is this regarding the medicine?”

They pout but don’t respond

Mihawk sighed

“I know you hate the medicine... But you must take it for your own good... ,” Mihawk told them carresing their head

“I don’t need it. Im not sick.”

Mihawk’s gentle caress comes to an abrupt pause when he hears his child’s words. He was clearly annoyed with the denial of the child’s sickness.

However, the child’s feverish responses were not matching with their words.

The child’s temperature was still rising, and they were getting increasingly sweaty.

“You need to hydrate yourself; you have lost too much water overnight, and the medicine.”

“It’s yucky.”

Mihawk lets out a light chuckle as he hears his child speak.

He continues to stroke the child’s hair as he replies, clearly amused by what they have to say.

“You can’t avoid things just because they are distasteful; you must accept things whether they are unpleasant or not... So drink the medicine; it will only take a few seconds.”

Mihawk sighed as they just shook their head, realizing this was not going to get him anywhere; only the same loop would repeat if he were to continue this approach.

“I will let the medicine be postponed for later in the day, but you must consume liquids in the meantime.”

They nod, happy with this development

“Apple juice!”

His child was, at times very stubborn about a lot of things, however their desires were quite simple.

“Very well,” he said, leaving them room and shortly returning with said drink.

Mihawk gently tilts his child’s head back, holding the cup filled with juice above their lips.

“Here, thread carefully, as I do not want you to choke,” Mihawk says with a soft but firm voice.

He awaits for the child to follow his orders.

They smiled, taking quickly, drinking the juice until they realized what they were drinking was not juice at all but the medicine that their father had strategically placed behind the juice, a straw in the cup of medicine rather than the juice.

They scrunch their eyes, moving backwards to spit the liquid out, stopped by their father's hand followed by his gentle touch trailing down his throat, stimulating their swallowing mechanism.

Mihawk chuckles as he watches the child realize that the “juice” was actually the medicine he’d been trying to give them.

Clearly, his methods of trying to get his child to consume the medicine were more effective than previously thought.

“ Perhaps next time you should just drink it the first time; I will make you drink it one way or the other,” Mihawk smirks.

“Meanie!” They exclaimed, digging themselves into their cocoons of blankets, leaving a chuckling Mihawk out of view

“I will leave your drink on the table. Be sure to stay hydrated, but do nor rush it.”

The only response he received was the child poking their head momentarily to stick their to tongue out at him

“I take it that you do not want the beverage? If that is the case, I will simply take it; I would rather not waste resources if you will not drink them.”

“No!” They exclaimed, shooting up, grabbing the drink, and gulping it down, glaring at their father as they did

I get more worried each time I do this that Mihawk is so oc to the point that it doesn’t resemble Mihawk anymore 🙃 Is this still Mihawk? Of course I have to be kind to myself as Mihawk also Isn’t super paternal, maybe to a teen like Perona but maybe not a toddler 😂, what we thinking?

[fungal-rot]

Just Ask

this is short, sweet, to the point. was gonna be longer, but i’ve had massive brain fart and writers block for like the past couple weeks lol. i wasn’t gonna post this bc of it, but then i was like, ‘well at least i wrote something !!’ so anyway-

pairing: Javi G x Reader

summary: Javi loves to spoil you. He'd give you the entire world if he could. All you have to do is ask. (this is also smut practice just fyi)

warnings: smut (no plot), fingering, oral (f receiving), fluffy kinda?? f!reader, no description of reader

⁺˚°｡⋆♱✮˖☽𓋼𓍊◯𓍊𓋼☾˖✮♱⋆｡°˚⁺

"Just ask me, hermosa." Javi would always tell you; whether it was for a date night, a specific movie to watch, or even that new brand-name pair of shoes you eyed in a shop window. He only wanted to give you what you deserved.

"Ask, and it's yours."

"J-Javi, sweetheart-" You whined out, hands clutching and pawing at his wavy, sun-bleached hair while his face was buried deep into your slick cunt.

His tongue lapped and savored the musky, salty-sweet taste of your folds, all the while the bridge of his nose bumped and rubbed up against your clit, creating that tantalizing friction you were desperately chasing.

"Ask me," Javi uttered against your skin before sliding a long, thick finger inside your heat.

Your hips bucked into his mouth, eager to reach that high you could feel stirring up in your tummy. Of course, you adored that Javi wanted to lavish you with anything you asked for, but you hated actually having to ask. Not in an 'I-shouldn’t-have-to-ask' way; more of an 'I-don't-want-you-to-think-I'm-expecting-it' way.

He was determined to break you of that.

Javi hummed lowly before pulling his mouth away, eliciting a cry of loss from you. He inserts another finger, curling the two digits up against the sponge-like flesh of your cunt with careful precision. "Tell me what you want, mí corazón," he cooed and laid his head on your thigh's soft, pillowy flesh. "Need to hear you ask for it."

He placed a sweet kiss on your hip bone while that gentle, tender puppy-like gaze bored into yours. His neatly trimmed facial hair- wet from you- lightly scratched at your skin, erupting a wave of goosebumps and leaving behind a bit of your slick on the surface.

Another whine pushed from your chest. You wanted just to tell him to fuck you already, teeth gritting with a twitch of your lip. Javi was being so sweet, though. So tender and loving as he looked up at you from your thighs, thick fingers still curling and pumping into you at a slow, steady pace.

"You- I- fuck, Javi!" You cried out a stammered mess. The hand, still fisting at his hair, tugged a little harder, eliciting a groan from him with a shut of his eyes.

"Iwannacum!" Spoken all too quickly, and words slurred together, Javi shook his head with a click of his tongue.

"That is more of a statement," He lightly chided with a chuckle and breathy noise of your name, but moved his mouth back over your swollen bud, hovering and leaving you mewling beneath him.

Your hips lift from the mattress in an attempt to chase his mouth, and with a strong arm, he keeps you pinned. Your body was glistening with a thin layer of sweat, all nerve endings sweltering with a heat that only he could extinguish. As your mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, trying to find the words to correct yourself, but not quite getting there, that’s when Javi spoke once more in an almost desperate tone,

"Ask me."

Fuck, okay. You had to do this. With what little bit of resolve you had left, the words finally came falling from your tongue in hasty desire, "Javi, will yo- will you make me cum? Please, baby, I need to cum."

Pleased with your request, he smiled fondly with a faint hum of approval.

"Anything you ask for, it’s yours,” he murmured and latched his mouth back on your bundle of nerves, eagerly lapping and sucking away.

Oh, yes, Javi was going to give you any and everything you asked for.

⁺˚°｡⋆♱✮˖☽𓋼𓍊◯𓍊𓋼☾˖✮♱⋆｡°˚⁺

uh, anyway yeah- i love my pookie sunshine bear. if you liked this please reblog/like/comment !! <3 i love feedback and hearing ur thoughts

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

Hiii, this is my first time requesting a Miguel fic😭😭😭 nervous

so like hurt/comfort where spider-woman reader was a mother and losing her child (preferably a daughter) was one of her cannon events.

Shes watching old videos on her phone/laptop where her kids kind of like, standing on her feet and they're dancing together to my love mine all mine by mistki (her new album destroyed me) and Miguel walks in and just watches.

Miguel gets caught staring at the videos but instead of telling him to leave she asks him to stay because she knows hes been through something similar. They're just watching old videos of her kid and then they eventually move onto talking about Gabi too.

im a sucker for friends/coworkers to lovers so maybe add a little lovey dovey smut at the end if you want <333

rlly sorry if this is a bit much i just had to get this out of my smooth little brain😭😭😭

hii!! AAA I love it!! but really sorry, no smut in this one :(( I had too many ideas but I had a total brain fart writing this. thank you for requesting, hope you like it💌

—

OF THE PAST

miguel o’hara x spider-woman!reader

word count: 550

warnings: mentions of death, grief etc

✧.┊ MASTERLIST

Grief and loss aren't uncommon emotions for a Spider-Person. They were feelings all Spiders experienced at one point- all of you connected by a singular canonical death. 

For many others, their event was the death of Uncle Ben, but not you. Yours was your daughter- your little love who 'mistakenly' got caught in the crossfire.

Not many Spiders could resonate with the grief of losing a child, nor could one imagine the weight of it. It's a feeling that can truly be understood by those who have experienced the same thing, by someone who had also lost a child. 

There was only one who could comprehend your grief, Miguel.

You'd often find yourself rewatching old family tapes of you and your daughter, replaying the clips over and over as if the memories weren't painful enough. 

You'd essentially watch your life back, looking over videos and pictures of you and your little girl- times when you baked cupcakes, or had secret picnics in the backyard. Beautiful moments where you danced in the living room, her tiny feet balanced on yours as you held her hands, spinning her around to the music. 

When you watched it back, you couldn't recognise yourself. The woman in the videos isn't here anymore. She was long gone, and you missed her. 

-

You were still at HQ, not wanting to return to an empty home, so you stayed, sitting in the vacant cafeteria as you stared aimlessly at your phone, honing in on the tiny writing at the top of the screen, '1 year ago today.'

"You can sit down," you whisper to the presence behind -Miguel- who has been lurking for the past few minutes.

"What gave it away?" he quietly asks, pulling out a chair next to you.

"Your heart," you sadly smile at him and turn your focus back to your phone. 

The subject of child loss is always incredibly tricky, never knowing what to say or constantly worrying if you said the wrong thing. It's hard to gauge what does more harm to the parent, and though Miguel is dealing with a similar situation, he still found himself at a loss. 

"I do that too," he finally speaks, nodding to your hand. "It feels good for a bit, then it just..." 

"Hurts some more," you finish his sentence, weakly chuckling.

"Yeah," he nods, twisting around in his chair to face you. "Can I see?"

You hum, lightly nodding as you press her photo album, turning it so Miguel could see. 

You swipe through with tears prickled in your eyes, looming in the water line as you smile at the screen. 

"This one," you speak up, clearing your throat. "She— uh, she got into my makeup bag," you laugh, recalling the memory. "And she— erm, she stained her face for a few days. Looked like a panda for a while."

Miguel chuckles, fully immersed in your story. "Gabi did that, too. But she," his smile widens, shaking his head. "Found high heels and dresses." 

"Mine too," you snicker, showing him the picture of your daughter playing adult dress up. 

You both stay like that for a while, sharing stories and memories of your daughters, recalling comical events to lighten the atmosphere. The pair of you telling tales in a way that connects you.

— — — — — — — — — — ☆ — — — — — — — — — —

artwork by shuploc

[theleomarspt2]

The Lake Date

Cw: Fart/Hyperfart content ahead

It was a warm day, and Lorenzo was enjoying his swim when a handsome young guy setting up his picnic not far from shore had caught his attention. Confindent in his smoohtness, Lorenzo swam back to shore to retrieve his glasses and dry off his hair. The sun glistened against his perfectly toned swimmers body, as his speedo hugged him in all the right places. Lorenzon continued to look at the guy who had called his attention, and he was determined to put him to the test.

As Lorenzo approached the guy, he felt a rumble in his abdomen indicating his stomach was producing enough gas to impress the guy.

"Hey, lovely day for a picnic"

"Uh yeah..."

The other guy looked nervous, not knowing why some handsome man in a speedo was approaching him. As he sat on picnic blanket, he could not take his eyes off this handsome stranger. Something about his slim muscular body and wide smile made him feel approachable.

"Where are my manners? I am Lorenzo"

"I am Chris, I take it you are practicing your swimming?"

"Haha that obvious? And what brings such a handsome guy like you to be eating alone?"

Chris demeanor went from shy to sad.

"Well, I was supposed to be here with someone... but he broke up with me."

Lorenzo saw Chris drawing into himself, and with an understanding expression lowered himself to Chris’ level, putting his hand on Chris’ shoulder.

"Hey man that sucks, sorry to hear that" Lorenzo said, happy to hear that this cute stranger was gay.

"it’s alright I suppose, probably for the best"

"It’s his loss anyway, you’re too adorable a guy to simply let go"

Lorenzo’s compliment sent a shock down Chris’ system. While the sadness from the recent breakup had clouded his mind he could still pick up on Lorenzo’s intentions. With the ball in his court, Chris found a little courage within him.

"Well you know, I did bring quite more food than I could eat and I’d hate to have to take it all back, you’re not some psycho are you?"

"I promise I am not" Lorenzo knew well what his plan was, he could feel it in his stomach, so the question made him giggle.

"that’s good enough for me, if you don’t have anything else to do would you want to join me?" Asked Chris bravely.

"it’d be an honor"

Lorenzo said as he sat down on the blanket, in such a manner that his muscles flexed, trying to impress Chris.

The two men had a candid time, sharing about one another's lives. Chris got to share about how he was trying to move through life despite his shyness, while Lorenzo proved to be the contrary. The confident swimmer spoke about his passion for his job as a lawyer and his love for his more athletic hobbies. In between bites of cantaloupe and prosciutto Lorenzo began to feel a pressure building up against his back end, knowing fully well it was his time to see if this guy could handle all of him.

Both men continued their conversation, with Chris completely mesmerized as he Lorenzo's sweet Italian accent filled the air. With Chris giving him puppy eyes, Lorenzo saw a chance to start the betting process he always put potential partners into. A rumble erupted from his direction.

"Oh excuse me, hopefully this is not too rude but I can't hold it back" He said, and before Chris could process anything Lorenzo scrunched his face.

PBBBBBRRRRRTTT

A five second ripple exploded out of Lorenzo's muscular backside. Whatever moisture leftover from his swim seemed to evaporate. As the fart ripped a strange smell began to emanate from his speedo. It was like garlic, but with a smoky tinge to it.

"Haha my bad, you know, athlete's diet"

"Well.... it is just part of breaking the ice hahaha"

Lorenzo was surprised by how accepting Chris turned out to be of his fart. It seemed like Chris might pass Lorenzo's test afterall.

Both men continued to talk, Lorenzo's fart having loosened up some of the tension Chris was feeling. Just as Chris was about to try his luck at flirting he felt a tremor underneath his body.

PPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTT

The subtle ground shaking turned into a sustained rattle that made the picnic blanket flutter. The flowers in the blooming trees that surrounded them began falling to the ground and being blown away before touching the ground, while a flock of nearby pigeons flew away startled by the booming sound emanating from Lorenzo.

"Oh damn... seems like my stomach decide to make a statement" Said Lorenzo quite proudly of the fart he had just ripped.

Holding back coughing, Chris could not help but to double over laughing. He could barely believe the absurdity of the situation. Here was a man who looked as though he had been carved by Michaelangelo with farts strong enough to cause small earthquakes. As bizarre as this was, it had an endearing air to it.

"Well," Chris said between bouts of laughter "That is a way to make a memorable first impression"

Lorenzo's proud expression turned into a mischievous grin. With a spark in his eyes, Lorenzo got closer to Chris.

"Memorable, huh? what if I went bigger next time" He leaned into Chris's ear and with a charming whisper said "Imagine, a serenade from my deepest end just for you... hopefully that way I can leave you breathless"

A rush of blood went to straight to Chris's face. Lorenzo's seductive demeanor, and its contrast with his unique talent, sent a shiver down his spine.

"A serenade? What an honor" he said trying to tease his companion back. "Well, maybe you can clear the park so it can be a bit of a private concert"

Lorenzo was taken aback by Chris's sudden confidence, but just as quickly he regained his composure and decided to take in the challenge. He took a deep breath and allowed for this belly rumble, announcing the production of new gas, ready to cause a ruckus.

As Chris was confidently smiling, Lorenzo reached over to him and pulled him by the back of his head. As Chris was leaned in, Lorenzo leaned in to make their forehead touch.

BBBUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRREEPPPPPPP

A loud, guttural belch erupted from Lorenzo’s mouth and blew back Chris’s hair.

“How’s that for a solo” Lorenzo asked with a smug smile on his face. A few hikers nearby turned to look at the source of the explosion while Chris remained speechless.

“Come with me” Lorenzo grabbed Chris’s hand and and the two walked towards the shore. “See those trees over there?” Lorenzo pointed at the island less than a mile away.

"Watch this" He said, as he turned back to Chris and pointed his butt towards the island. He inhaled deeply, the sound of his breath only rivaled by a roar that moved the top of his stomach towards his lower abdomen. He then proceeded to exhale, from both ends.

PPPPPPPPFFPFFFFFFFBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTT

PPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTRRRRRRRRTTTTTT

Two explosions exited Lorenzo's butt, the threads of his speedo somehow managing to stay together. The first fart, longer and with quite a cresendo, managed to form a considerably-sized wave that rippled accross the late and broke against the island, while the sheer force of it also managed to rustle the leaves in the trees of the island. Nearby swimmers began to try and scape, but were knocked over by the waves created by the fart. Sailboats began drifting away from the shore, and even nearby seagulls were pushed away by the current of wind. Chris simply watched with his mouth agape as the noxious winds from Lorenzo hit the island.

The second fart, while shorter, had deeper sound to it. The sonic boom of it continued to ripple across the water of the lake, but it was the smell of it that was the most impactful. A mixture of digested cheese and garlic, with a strange mixture of herbs that seemed to just have passed through Lorenzo's system made the first couple of birds fall into the water and seemed to turn a few of leaves of the island's trees brown. Lorenzo sighed, before relaxing his body and sitting by the shore, motioning for Chris to join him and contemplating the mayhem he had caused.

Initially stunned, Chris followed through and joined Lorenzo in looking at the the lake as it returned to its once interrupted tranquility.

"Wow" Said Chris "That was some next level"

"Haha I wanted to see if I could impress you, hopefully you're not scared now"

"I think I just need to keep you pleased now" Chris said with a smile on his face and a hand inching closer to Lorenzo's toned thighs. As Lorenzo was about to reach for Chris's hand a major rumble left his stomach, one that even send shivers down his entire body.

PPPPPFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTRTRRRTTTTTRRRRRRRBBBBBRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTRTTTTTTTRRSS

The deafening sound of a chainsaw emanated from the Italian man's butthole. The ground shook with as the sound reached its peak intensity. The force of the explosion sent shockwaves all around him, knocking lake goers down as they tried running away and causing most wildlife to struggle as they tried scaping what felt like the detonation of a bomb.

The fart's volume and odor soon became unbearable, even for Lorenzo who began coughing. He had little time to process the realization that he had finally ripped a fart that not even he could control was interrupted when he saw that a large wave was headed straight towards the island. As the fart began dying towards the one minute and thirty seconds mark, Lorenzo came back into his own mind after the gargantuan fart had taken him out of it.

Soon after he returned to his sense, he realized that Chris was holding to his torso, hugging him tightly trying not to fly away. Part of his clothes ripped from the blast while his face was pressed onto Lorenzo's chest.

"Fuck...... man I am sorry...sorry, the aftershocks are unpredictable."

Chris raised his head, a belwidered look in his face. He soon realized that he was hugging Lorenzo, and retreated into himself.

"Chris... fuck... I am sorry, I understand if you decide to-" Lorenzo was interrupted as Chris's hands held his face and Chris's lips touched his in a passionate yet sudden kiss, which Lorenzo reciprocated with gusto.

Instead of being annoyed, Chris felt a surge of warmth towards the man beside him. He could not stop himself from kissing Lorenzo, a man charisma and a butt capable of clearing a park. What more could a man ask for? As they pulled away from the kiss, Chris put his hands on Lorenzo's thighs.

"Well, your concert was impressive" Chris said smiling "and I hope you accept my request of a private one"

It was Lorenzo's turn to be taken aback by Chris's boldness, but as soon as the surprise wore off he smiled.

"I would love that Chris"

"Say no more" Without hesitating, Chris grabbed Lorenzo's hand and as both men stood up Chris began leading Lorenzo.

"Where?.. Where are we going?"

"First you are tellime where your car is and you are getting your clothes, can't have people looking at your butt after fart" Chris pointed to Lorenzo's backside as his speedo was not shredded and his buttocks were exposed.

"Then" said Chris "My place, I live not too far from here"

The sun shined on their path as the men walked hand in hand towards their destinations, both aware that a new beginning was brewing for the two of them.

Disclaimer: I do not own the pictures I used, the story described is 100% fictional.

Shout out to: @smellystars and @gassydumbjocks for giving me feedback while writing

[ruh--roh-raggy]

Home Sweet Home (William Afton x Wife! Reader) - Part 5

Hello hello! After a bit of a delay I am very happy to present you with part 5 of Home Sweet Home! This chapter we get to see William and Reader's first date, super cute, super fluffy, I've been dealing with a lot of emotions so a lot of gentle reassuring William about readers self doubts. I hope you guys enjoy, if you would like to be added to the tag list please let me know!

WARNINGS: None

You can find my Masterlist here!

Word Count: 4,913

Part 4 - Part 6

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You stretched with a soft sigh, your feet sliding against the cool, soft sheets. A smile spreads across your face at the feeling of William’s arm slung over your waist. Your eyes fluttered open, a thin slit of light through your heavy curtains the only indicator that it was morning. You roll over, your hand trailing over his stomach as you cuddle into his chest. He lets out a soft hum as he wakes up, “good morning beautiful.” His voice raspy and thick with sleep.

“Sorry I didn't mean to wake you up.” You whisper, placing a soft kiss to his chest.

“Why are you apologizing? I get woken up to the most beautiful sight in the world.” He tilts your chin up, his lips capturing yours in a slow, needy kiss. His hand kneads at your waist, you smile as his mustache tickles your nose.

“What's the plan for today?” He rolls into his back with a groan, pulling you on top of him in the process. You lay your chin on his chest, bright, sparkling eyes staring up at him. He smiles softly, tucking some loose hair behind your ear.

“Well,” he starts, “we need to go to the store, we’ll try to make it quick but we have nothing.” You both share a chuckle. “And then we come back here and work our butts off until dinner.”

“And see you be all sexy and strong lifting those heavy boxes again? Yes please.” You grin at him, yelping as he lightly pinches your butt.

“You always have your mind in the gutter, don't you?” He teases back. “I'm surprised you can still even consider me sexy.”

“Now what is that supposed to mean?” You reach up to gently caress his cheek, he lets out a soft sigh as he leans into your touch. “You're not allowed to be mean to my husband, I'll have to beat you up.” He chuckles at your serious expression.

“I'm an old man now, rabbit.” He responds wistfully, combing his fingers through your hair as he studies your face. “I'm definitely not the rugged, muscular little punk I used to be.” He chuckles and you can't help but breathe out a laugh in response. Remembering all the photos of a much skinnier more awkward reflection of your husband that Henry had shown you. ‘The pride and joy of our robotics team.’ he would always muse, struggling not to get emotional over the loving expression you had while looking at them. “I've got all these wrinkles now, my hair’s going gray-”

“William,” he snaps his mouth shut at the sound of your voice. Your age difference was something that had eaten at him since the two of you had first started dating. Always worried he was going to move too fast or make you feel tied down. He never could quite wrap his head around how a pretty young thing like you could stand being around a miserable old fart like him. “It wouldn't matter if you were 20 years younger and were built like some sort of Greek God.” You shuffle around under the blankets, allowing you to push yourself up enough to be face to face with him, the tip of your nose brushing his as you talk. “I wouldn't give up any of the time you and I have spent together for anything. Will, I love you. A few wrinkles and a change in your hair color isn't going to change any of that.”

“So, you don't mind that I don't have shredded abs?” He jokes, making you laugh in response. Despite the sudden loss of seriousness you could tell your words helped.

“Abs are overrated,” you shoo off the thought with your hand. “I happen to love your soft tummy.” You state matter-of-factly.

“Well I'm glad.” He pulls you in for a soft kiss. “You’re perfect, you know that?” He mumbles against your lips.

“You're one to talk.” You quip back. He smiles before pulling you back to him. You hum as you feel his arm tighten around your waist, wanting to feel every curve of your body pressed firmly to his. The way William’s lips moved against yours was slow and methodical, he always knew how to kiss you in a way that left you feeling utterly breathless and dizzy by the end of it. You rest your forehead against his when you separate. Both of you shared soft, tired smiles as you enjoyed being in each other's company. He reaches over to his nightstand with a groan, wiping his hand down his face before putting on his glasses.

“What do you say sweetheart? Ready to start the day?” You nod, both of you reluctantly leaving the warmth of your bed and each other's arms as you got ready to tackle whatever obstacles you would face.

You stood at William’s side, trying to manage your wild bed head as he brushed his teeth. “What do you want for dinner?” He asks with a mouthful of toothpaste.

“I don't know, something easy.” You wince slightly as your brush gets caught on a particularly nasty snarl. “We could always get something frozen to throw in the oven I guess.”

“Absolutely not, I won't let my wife eat that filth if I can help it.” He places a kiss on your head as he heads out of the bathroom. You chuckle, shaking your head in response. “Think about it, I'm gonna go start the car.” He disappears around the door with a wink. You groaned at his request, you hated making food decisions. You threw on some clothes, deeming your appearance good enough for the grocery store, before heading downstairs. William stood at your kitchen counter, holding an old recipe book that looked almost comically small in his massive hands.

“Whatcha got there?” He wraps an arm around your shoulder, pulling you into his side.

“I saw this in your box of memories yesterday.” He smiles down at you, lowering the book in order to make it easier for you to read it. You looked at the worn, yellowing pages with a special fondness. This was the one cookbook William owned, a collection of recipes put together by a group of little old ladies around Hurricane. One of them managed to pass it off to him at their grandson’s birthday years ago, saying how a hard working man like him deserved some good home cooked meals every now and then. You ran your fingers over your husband’s handwriting in the margins next to one recipe ‘add garlic’. On the next page there was a recipe for chocolate cake, next to it in your own neat script it read ‘Will’s favorite' punctuated with a heart.

“Is this the one that has-”

“The recipe from our first date.” You finish in unison.

“Yes it is.” He chuckles. You remembered it like it was yesterday. The whole morning went horribly before you were supposed to spend the day with Will, you were about ready to call him to reschedule. “I think we both could use some comfort food tonight, what do you think?”

“I think that sounds wonderful.” You jump slightly as he snaps the cookbook shut in front of your face, you push him playfully before the two of you head out.

Will’s hand was warm as he held your own, his thumb languidly rubbing over your knuckles as he drove. Your eyes trailed over the treeline as it whipped past your window, smiling softly to yourself as you reminisced about how something as small and silly as beef stew could hold such a powerful memory.

You tried your best to quiet your sniffling as you listened to the phone ring, your heart jumping into your throat when you heard the click of the receiver being picked up. “Hello?” You felt yourself begin to well up all over again at the sound of his voice.

“Hey William, it’s-uh, it’s me.” You hoped he would be able to recognize your voice despite it cracking. “I think I'm going to need to reschedule-”

“Honey what's wrong?” The genuine concern in his voice opened the floodgates. A sob cracked free from your throat as you tried to explain the situation. “Are you alright? Are you hurt?”

“No.” You manage to croak out.

“Can I come see you?” You froze for a moment. He wasn't mad about you canceling at the last minute, he just wanted to make sure you were okay.

“Yeah, that's fine.” You stutter.

“I'll be there in about fifteen minutes, okay?” You nod before remembering he couldn't see you. You rolled your eyes over how ridiculous you were being.

“Okay, I'll be here.” You sniffle before hanging up. You jumped as your buzzer rang, picking yourself up to the couch and slowly shuffling over to unlock the door. You undid the chain latch, meeting William in the hallway.

“Rabbit,” he starts softly. Seeing your cheeks still red and streaked with tears from another wave of crying that had hit you when he was on his way over. “Come here beautiful.” You hurried forward, melting into his embrace as he wrapped his strong arms around you. His fingers gently slide into your hair, cradling your head against his chest. You felt stupid for crying, you were supposed to be going out on this big, fancy date William had set up and now you've ruined it.

“I'm sorry.” You manage to get out after you have calmed yourself down somewhat. “You went through all the trouble of getting us that reservation-” he cuts you off, quietly shushing you as he continues to hold you, slightly rocking side to side.

“It’s okay bunny. It's not like we’re going to get banned from the restaurant for canceling our table.” He chuckles, managing to elicit a soft laugh from you as well. “But, I would like to know what's making my girl so upset.” He nods in the direction of your apartment. “Would it be alright if I came in for a minute?” You nod, his hand instantly taking yours as you separated from his embrace.

“I'm sorry about the mess, this morning definitely didn't go as planned.” He looked around the cramped space. The flowers William had sent you lay on the kitchen counter, the stems still glistening with water. A half cleaned up pile of broken glass lay on the floor next to the counter. He noticed a white dress that appeared to be covered in some type of tomato sauce laying in a heap on the dining room table. You started to explain before he even had a chance to question it. “My roommate got into a big fight with her boyfriend this morning.” William sat next to you where you had positioned yourself on the couch, elbows resting on his knees and his hands folded neatly in front of him as he listened attentively to what you had to say. “I was woken up by them yelling at each other, I heard some glass smash so I came out here to try and diffuse the situation. It turns out he had smashed the vace I had put your flowers in onto the floor.” You let out a weak chuckle as you felt a tear slip down your cheek. William reaches over, intertwining his fingers with yours in an attempt to offer some form of comfort without risking overwhelming you further. “And my-uh, my dress…” you looked over at the table, your throat growing tight at the sight. “He also ruined my dress in the process of us throwing him out. So now I have nothing to wear, and the flowers you got me are starting to wilt, and I ruined our date-”

“Woah, sweetheart, slow down. You didn't ruin anything.” He moves closer to you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders to pull you into his chest. “There’s going to be plenty of other fancy dinners. Baby, I'm not upset over you not wanting to go out after the morning you've had.” He places a kiss on the top of your head, his thumb soothingly rubbing your shoulder. “Would you like to come spend the day at my place?” He asks in an almost timid manner. You look up at him, eyes still wet with tears. It made his chest tighten, you looked so small against his much larger form.

“I'd like that.” You smile.

“You go get ready, I'll clean up in here.” He offers with a small nod.

“Oh, I can't ask you to do that.” Your breath catches in your throat as he gently tilts your chin up with his fingers.

“Don't worry about it bunny.” He tucks some hair behind your ear. He nods for you to go get ready. You scurry off to your room, William cleaning up the glass on the floor. He searched through your cupboards, finding a suitable enough vessel to hold the flowers you seemed to love. He smiles at how adorable you were, getting upset over something so simple, it was sweet. His attention turned to the dress on the table, making an irritated sound as he picked it up. It wasn't a guarantee he would be able to get the sauce out, but hand washing it in the sink couldn't hurt. He thought about how pretty you would've looked all dressed up. Though somehow he thinks your new plan would end up being more fun.

You hurriedly looked through your closet for something to wear, not wanting to appear like you were trying too hard to impress him. You decided on a cute pair of jeans and your favorite T-shirt. You passed back out into the kitchen, smiling as you saw the large man hunched over your sink, trying to get the stain out of your dress. “Will?” He paused, a smile creeping across his features. This was the first time you had called him Will.

“I got it mostly out, we can throw it in the wash at my place if you want.” You nod, smiling at him adoringly.

“I wouldn't want to trouble you.” You start.

“It's no problem.” He rushes to reassure you. He slowly steps closer to you, almost as if he was worried he was going to scare you off. “You, uh, look like you’re going to cry again.”

“You’re just really nice, that’s all.” You crack out a laugh, William chuckling alongside you.

“Well, I’d like to be able to take care of my girl when she needs me.” He winks, making your cheeks flush. He holds out his arm for you to take, you smile softly as he pulls you into his side.

William opened the door, letting you step inside before him. You neatly tucked your shoes beside the door before padding across the soft gray carpet. Looking around you would definitely define William as a minimalist. You didn’t see any pictures or trinkets, everything was very neat and orderly. “Make yourself comfortable, I’m going to go start something for dinner.” You ended up trailing after him into the kitchen, wanting to spend as much time with him as you could. He unzips his hoodie, tossing it at you with a flirtatious smile. “You look cold.” You slip your arms into the too long sleeves, blushing slightly as you wrap yourself up in the warm fabric. William’s sweatshirt smelled like machine oil, cheap cigarettes, and musky, warm cologne. He pulled out a large wooden cutting board from one of the drawers, brandishing a pristinely sharp knife not long after. He hums softly to himself as he wanders around his kitchen, pulling ingredients from cupboards and setting them all out in a row on the counter top. He pulls out a large stew pot from a small closet, setting it on the stove as he sets in motion preparing the meal he had decided on.

“Do you want any help?” You offer with a smile.

“You just sit back and relax, bunny. Throwing this together shouldn’t take me too long.” The two of you chatted idly as he cooked. You had always enjoyed William’s dry humor, but this was the first time you had seen his full genuine personality outside of Freddy’s.

“You’re a gossip!” You exclaim your accusation through a fit of laughter. He gives you an offended look, his hand clapping against his chest.

“Me? I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You couldn’t miss the smirk that passed across his lips as he turned his attention back to the cutting board. “You’re acting like I don’t know about your and Ashley’s little gossip sessions at the prize counter.” He rebuttals in a teasing tone. He straightens up, striding over to you. He puts a hand on either side of your thighs, caging you on the counter, “I bet you talk about me, don’t you?” He gives you a wink and a lopsided smile. Your cheeks immediately heated up as you thought about how much his name actually came up between the two of you. He chuckles, pressing a kiss to your forehead before moving away. He glances up at you as he slides a cutting board of carrots into the large pot at his side. “I’m glad you’re finally starting to relax.” He remarks happily.

“You promise you’re not mad about having to cancel the reservation?” You ask nervously, balling up the sleeves of his sweatshirt in your hands.

“I’m happy just spending time with you.” A small smile creeps across your lips at the sincerity in his voice. “You had a bad morning, I wouldn’t want to go out either.” He reaches out for your hand, you accept his request with a flustered grin. “Plan’s can change, okay? I won’t be upset.” He tries his best to reassure you.

It was a rainy day outside, the stew was left to cook on the stove. Will held your hand loosely in his, giving it a gentle squeeze whenever he reached a point of interest when he was talking about one of his newest projects. He leads you into his workshop, keeping you close to him as he guides you around various piles of mechanical parts. His hands find their way to your waist, easily lifting you from the floor to set you on a clear space of workbench. He bumps a button with his elbow, the garage opening to let in some of the warm, damp air from outside. “Mr. Emily was right about you being a workaholic.” You tease.

“It’s not my fault there's always work to be done.” He bites the tip of his tongue as he concentrates on what he had pulled in front of him, you noticed the glint of something silver catching on his front teeth.

“Will… is that a piercing?” You ask with genuine curiosity. His eyes widened slightly for a second before he cursed under his breath.

“I forgot I had that in.” He admits bashfully. “I got it in college, I just got so used to wearing it I never let it close.” You hop down from your position perched on the workbench, placing yourself directly in front of him.

“Show me.” You nod up at him. He raises an eyebrow and smirks slightly at your demanding town. He stoops lower, bringing himself face to face with you.

“I don’t know,” he purrs, “you didn’t ask very nicely.” You swallow thickly at his gravelly tone.

“Show me, please?” You try again. He chuckles at your flustered appearance before sticking out his long tongue, showing off the silver barbell. “Wow.” You found yourself nearly drooling at the sight of it, something about the small piercing made your heart race in your chest. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that William was a very attractive man, with his sharp features and broad, strong body he's drawn the attention of many wandering eyes. But, this new found detail about him only seemed to highlight the tough yet playful attitude you had grown enamored by.

“Maybe if you're good I'll show you how talented I am at putting it to good use.” He winks with a smirk. “Come on, this stuff can wait.” He places a kiss to the top of your head, wrapping an arm around your waist as you're escorted back inside of the house. It hadn't occurred to you just how much of Will’s day you had disrupted up until now. He was supposed to come pick you up at six o'clock sharp, glancing at a clock that ticked quietly on the wall you had realized it wasn’t even eleven.

“Will, I don't want to get in your way if you're busy.” You speak up, both of you pausing in unison.

“Bunny, let me tell you something.” He fully turns to face you, his hands resting comfortably on your waist. His dark silver eyes held a particular softness as they scanned over your features, his hands sliding around your back to pull you closer to him. He speaks in a low tone, giving the conversation a new found sense of intimacy. “I'm in no rush to get that work done, and if I'm being entirely honest if you left right now I wouldn't be able to get the image of how cute you look in my sweatshirt out of my head all day.” He breathes out a laugh. “I know you're worried about being a disruption but honey I promise you you're not. I want to spend time with you, I want to be there to make you feel better. If that means pushing off a couple projects to cook a homemade meal and to spend the day with you… we'll, I don't know about you but that sounds pretty alright to me.” He smiles softly at you, giving you time to allow his words to sink in.

You couldn't get over just how different he was than anyone you had been with in the past. There was no yelling because of the wasted effort, no being left alone to wallow in how awful you felt about messing everything up. Right now there was only you and William; how warm his large hands felt as he soothingly rubs his thumbs over your waist, how the smell of dinner cooking in the kitchen drifted through the hall, how he looked at you with so much kindness and understanding, and that was plenty. You pushed into him, burying your face against his chest as you welled up with emotion. William held you tightly against him, determined to brush away any negative thoughts that tried to creep their way in from the back of your mind. He had a pretty good idea of the guys you had experienced before him, the shithead he had met before he confessed to you said enough. You were used to being pushed around and treated like you were never enough, leaving you to feel like you were always taking up too much space and anything that went wrong immediately fell into your lap. William hoped that, given enough time, he would be able to help you remedy that way of thinking. “How about we throw on a movie? It's Saturday, there's bound to be something on.” He offers in a patient tone.

“I'd like that.” You sniffle in response. You slip your hand into his, allowing him to guide you to the living room. He pulled you into his side as he clicks on the TV, absentmindedly flicking through the station past re-runs of whatever shitty sitcom happened to be on and action movies that would definitely ruin the quiet intimacy the two of you had fallen into. He paused on a romantic comedy, looking down to gauge your reaction. You adjusted yourself in order to be more comfortable, your arm resting across Will’s stomach as your head fell against his shoulder. He was praying you wouldn't ask him anything about the movie he had thrown on, he wouldn't have been able to focus on it right now if he tried. Your small form was so warm against his side, the sweet scent of your shampoo was nearly intoxicating as he waited for you to get comfortable. He pulls the blanket off of the back of the couch, laying it over both of your laps.

“Will?” You call for him softly.

“Yes, rabbit?” His eyes drift down to you and the sight alone was enough to nearly break him. You looked so incredibly tiny curled up against him, your big doe eyes holding so much adoration as you gazed up at him. William froze, feeling as if he even breathed in this moment it would be over.

“Thank you for taking care of me today.” His heart nearly jumped out of his chest at the sight of your sweet smile. You slowly and carefully pushed yourself upwards, your lips pressing against his scruffy cheek.

“Of course, bunny.” He smiles, eyes dropping to your lips for a brief moment before he shook the thought from his mind. Today was about making sure you were alright, kissing you should be the furthest thing from his mind right now. Unfortunately for him, it was all he was able to think about since the two of you had started seeing each other. He hadn't kissed you since the night of his confession, worried that he would take things too quickly without realizing it. He jumped slightly as the timer on the stove started to beep. “I'll be right back.” He places a kiss to your forehead before getting up. Once he enters the kitchen, out of your line of sight, he drags a hand down his face with a soft groan. “Get a hold of yourself.” He chastises himself quietly.

You remained curled up on the sofa, smiling to yourself as you ran your fingers over the soft material of the blanket William had draped over your legs. You glanced back at the kitchen before turning back to the TV with a soft sigh. There was something about being with William that was so undeniably effortless; the way he pulled you into his arms, your body molding to his like you were always made to be pressed against one another, the softness in his voice that was reserved just for you, how the smell of his cologne calmed your ever racing mind. Your fingers drifted to your bottom lip, breathing out a laugh as you thought about your first kiss. It felt like a lifetime since then, your mind often wandering to the memory, leaving your heart racing and your cheeks flushed. You knew William wanted to take things slow, he was very concerned about you feeling pressured to do things you weren't comfortable with just because he was older. Even though you constantly reassured him that wasn't the case he still seemed to treat you as if you were made of glass. You heard the soft clinking of him grabbing soup mugs from a cabinet, your feet thudding softly against the hardwood floor as you stood from the couch. You sucked in a deep breath as you nervously made your way towards the kitchen, thumb running over the worn fabric of your boyfriend’s sweatshirt. William stood at the stove, humming softly to himself as he added the finishing touches on the dinner he prepared. You swallowed thickly as you watched his muscles shift underneath his fitted black T-shirt. “Will?” You continued to walk forward as you called his name, knowing if you stopped now you would lose your nerve. He turns to face you, his silver eyes catching yours. His arms opened to greet you the moment he realized how close you already were, your hands slid over his shoulders as his landed on your waist. You pushed yourself up on your toes, guiding his lips down to meet yours. He lets out a surprised yet pleased sound, melting into you as he kisses you back. You both pulled back, breathless and wide eyed. He swore every time he looked at you he found something new to fall in love with. The blush that dominated your cheeks from doing something so bold, how small you looked wrapped up in his sweatshirt, he hoped he would be able to keep the memory of you looking like this forever.

“Will?” He’s jolted back to the present by you nudging his shoulder. “Everything alright, baby? You spaced out.” He looked down at you now by his side. Your soft smile and twinkling eyes are still as captivating as they always have been.

“Yeah bunny, I'm alright. Just thinking about our first date.” He smiles. The two of you stood in your kitchen preparing the ingredients for the stew, the sound of you singing along to the radio a learned comfort to William’s ears. He still couldn't wrap his head around why you chose him of all people, his gruff and dry demeanor was a sharp contrast to your bubbly personality. Yet, despite how difficult he knew he could be sometimes, your love for one another never waivered. It took him a long time to be able to provide for you the way he felt you deserved, lots of late nights at the pizzeria and sacrifice were needed to get to where the two of you are now. But, through every rough patch, every struggle that would have seemed insurmountable on his own, it only solidified one thing.

You loved each other.

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Tag List: @yellowbunnydreams @zoey5252 @redflowery @loudchaosking @weirdoartist21 @residentevilbeast @lokanda (if you would like to be added to the tag list please let me know!)

[night-dazai]

Back Home

Summary: 2 weeks and the greatest sorcerer has not seen his pretty little lover, but while he was supposed to come home she leaves for a beach trip ....or....did she.

Long missions were something Gojo had always hated. He could not see his loved ones, and boring curses to fight and- “Ugh? Really? This is a grade A …the old farts,” he grumbled while killing the cruse and sipping his drink, “And this is sour,” he thought and looked 100% dissatisfied. That's when his phone rang, and blindfolded, dead eyes sparkled with joy reading your name.

“Hello love~ “ he chirped, tossing his drink into the nearest bin, and dusting his sleeves. “Huh… what? You are… going out?” He sounded horrified. The only thing he wanted after a long mission was you, the bed, and sex and if you go out now? You wouldn't be back for three days, how could he survive? “Hmm…fine. Get ready, all nice and pretty for me. How about you wear the black dress we bought a week ago? Yeah…you like that …of course, that's why I bought it. Now get ready.” He smirks, and cuts the call before you could respond.

It has been around thirty minutes, your bag for 2 nights and 3 days was ready and so were you. Your tight, black dress had a heart neck outlining your chest perfectly. You looked once more in the mirror and checked your dress. It was a girl’s trip plan, you, Shoko and Utahime were going to the beach. You didn’t really want to go, cause the next day gojo will come home after his 2 week long mission, and you wanted to greet him, but the girls insisted and you gave in.

As you were checking your bag, the front door opened “Shoko bedroom !” You shouted, not turning or even checking as to who came in, but suddenly two strong arms around your waist made you jump “AHH!” you shouted but your face was turned by rough hands, and the rest of your screams were swallowed by a hot kiss.

Fear and worry eased when you saw no eyes, but a dark blue blindfold and white hair sticking to the forehead. “GOJO!” You exclaimed, pushing his face and creating some space between the two of you. You could hear him whine due to the loss of touch. “Don't go…please….2 weeks … I suffered, I need you …” He begged, whiny. Soft lips on your neck left a few kisses as his hands roamed your body, legs trying to push you onto the bed. “No…I told them I would go. It has been so long since the 3 of us went out,” you said, trying to get him off you but it was of no use.

His lips found yours again while both of your hands got pinned above your head, his free hand removed his blindfold. “It is not long, but it will do,” he said. In an instant, the material was ripped and was tied perfectly like a bow on your wrists. “There, all better...my cute present is all ready for me.” He smiled like a kid who just got his birthday present.

Soft-looking rough hands roamed your hands massaging your breasts for a solid nine seconds, before ripping the martial into shreds. “GOJO NO!!” Your shouts fell on deaf ears “Please y/n …please.” He begged, pouting on your breasts while hands were on your inner thighs near your core but not touching you...yet.

You loved the dress, gojo picked it for you and it was really pretty but it's gone, you know he would buy you another one, why even the same one but…

“Fine. At least untie me,” you said, giving up. It had been 2 weeks and it was a lie if you said you also did not miss him and your fingers were not as good as his. “Ah… slow..slow down,” you said, while his long fingers abused your cunt, pace fast and harsh. “Come on, I am not in any mood for slow stuff,” he said. His voice was different and the glint in his eyes was definitely scary, but something made you more wet. “Oh..why is my sweet fucktoy clenching so hard?” He asked . One hand thrust in and out while the other abused your clit roughly and soon he pressed on that spot, making you see stars and having your first proper orgasm in two weeks.

With half-closed eyes and quivering legs, you tried to capture your breath. “Now now, don't pass out here,” he said, tapping his dick on your puffy clit. “Time to go in,” he said and before you could talk he was in. One thrust knocked all the air out of your lungs and your eyes rolled back. “Go-gojo….” you mumbled, trying anything to get him to slow down but now-

SLAP!

Had you screaming and freezing. “Behave,” he said. This was not the whiny cute gojo but the one who needs what he wants. As you tried to talk again.

SLAP ! SLAP !SLAP!

Your thighs which were red now had his sky-blue eyes going dark. “You look so lovely with my marks, '' he said, kissing the red handprints, and not stopping. From the start ,the pace was rough. His balls were slapping your ass, and while one hand pulled and twisted your nipple the other played with your clit from time to time.

“Look here …” hands pulled your chin to look at him.

Tears streamed down your face, the pleasure was overwhelming after the long break and nothing could leave your mouth other than porn-worthy moans, which just made him go harder. “I said look here “ he pressed your cheeks roughly when you did not open your eyes. Slowly, you opened your wet eyes, mascara running down, red lipstick smeared all over your mouth “Pretty..my pretty “ he mumbled before entering your mouth.

The kiss was hot, wet, and messy. His pace got a bit faster when you yelled into the kiss, sculpted hips thrusting into you at a faster pace, and the dick inside you was twitching for sure and suddenly he made sure to hit that one spot again and again, making you see stars… or heaven. You have no idea which it was.

Low grunts made you open your eyes to see your pretty boyfriend, sweat dripping down his face and model body, with white hair sticking to his forehead, eyes closed, and chasing his high while hands holding your hips to ensure you don't run or move away in force. Hips rutting into your bruising, soon you could feel your second knot in the stomach and soon after you came he followed.

“Three seconds…break ???” you thought and opened your eyes to see him looking at your cunt, you could not move but you were sure he was watching his cum drip out of your hole “Go..gojo ?” You called out in a feeble voice. A childish smile formed on his face as he peeled his eyes from below and looked into your eyes, he adjusted his hips a little, hitting your spot again. “Ah..noo.. stop “ you whined while he leaned to kiss your forehead. “No? Love, we haven't even started for the night.” He said, still smiling and removed the knot on your hands.

You clasped your hands on his neck. “Please… I am dead tired,” you said, while he rose and sat you down on his lap, his dick going a little deeper. You hissed.

“But I am not,” he said, kissing your neck and leaving a hickey. With you on his lap he turned and leaned on the headboard, “Now just shut up and take it like a good girl,” he said through gritted teeth, thrusting you on his dick, biting your neck and leaving angry, red marks, while your manicured hands left marks on his pale, gold shoulders.

It was a very long ……… night and Utahime was sure to shout at Gojo the next day for spoiling your plans.

This is the results of the poll.

[ramirezmindset]

ғᴀᴛᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ.

ʙʀᴀᴅʟᴇʏ ʙʀᴀᴅsʜᴀᴡ x ғᴇᴍ! ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ. ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ᴏɴᴇ.

→ 𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒: as the daughter of pete 'maverick' mitchell, there were certain expectations people had of you, all of which you were determined to defy. however, after a hellbent summer leave of love, loss and heartbreak, you discover you're more like your father than you would've ever imagined.

→ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: angst central, reader being a dick, rooster being a dick, mav being a dick, everyone being a dick, break-ups, seggsual innuendos, loss of relationships/persons, platonic male/female friendships, romantic male/female relationships, adult language ↳wc: 2974

FATED TO PRETEND: INTRO & MASTERLIST

Your phone rang on the desk opposite you for the third time. It was a cold day where you were stationed, freezing even, and you were fairly sure that even if you did want to answer that call, your phone would be stuck to the mahogany due to the sub-zero European temperature in your small office.

You already know what he'd say, you could already feel the words penetrating your ears. You didn't want to hear them, couldn't bring yourself to hear them. Maybe if you ignored the phone some more, he would give up and call the next best thing. The phone stopped ringing, and you were granted with a few moments silence. You leant back on the chair, folding your arms over your chest and releasing a breath you didn't even know you were holding.

The wind battered against the flexible glass of the window. You could just make out the faint outline of people on the airstrip, running around and laughing at each other. The pilots down there were fresh, spring-chickens who were so excited for what the future of this career holds. It was your job to keep their excitement palpable, not to tell them the truth, that in sixth months when dicking about is over, they would wish they never joined the Navy in the first place.

The phone rang again. Groaning, you braced your elbows on the desk and stared at the name on the screen.

Dad.

You bit the inside of your cheek, a nervous habit you got from your mother. You didn't even realise you had reached for the phone until it was against you ear and your father's voice filled the room.

"God, Y/N! I thought you were dead!" Pete Mitchell said that every time you answered his phone calls. It was routine, almost, you would ignore his first few calls before finally picking up, and he would panic and berate you and you would (insincerely) apologise before letting him say whatever it is he needs to say, and that would be it. He wouldn't call again for three months and then the cycle repeats itself, like a snake eating it's own tail.

"What is it?" You cut to the chase.

"Look, Y/N, you know what I'm gonna say. And I'd rather it be me say it than Admiral Simpson" You sigh down the phone, you could picture your fathers face in your head. Eyebrows furrowed, free hand on hip as he looks down at the ground and back up. Right now, he'd be glancing around the room, trying to make himself look busy to any suspecting on-lookers. "Don't make this hard for me"

"Do I have to?" You ask, biting the skin on your thumb. "Like, is there actually nobody else?"

"You know you have to. Don't pretend you're busy and hang up the phone so you can avoid the conversation, I've already called Ant and he said you were just sat in your office farting about with paperwork" You take a mental note to berate your best friend as soon as this call is over. "Y/N, this is your job. I know you'd rather hide away in some dark corner and teach some morons how to stop and start a plane, but you're better than that. You know it, I know it, Cyclone knows it, and the Navy knows it. That's why we need you here."

"Well, what's in it for me?"

"Bragging rights, I don't know. I don't even know why I'm here, dovey." You close your eyes and sigh at your fathers childhood nickname for you. Your relationship had always been strained, your mother doing everything in her power when you were a child to stop Pete from seeing you. She thought he was dangerous, irresponsible, which are both true, but that never stopped him from showing up at your front door demanding to see his daughter. You were always a daddy's girl, but his unreliability slowly ate away at whatever relationship the two of you shared, him preferring to give all the fatherly love he had in him to his late best friends son, Bradley, who, you had heard, couldn't really stand him either, especially in more recent years.

You felt bad for the guy, you really did, but he did it to himself.

"You don't have a choice here, babe, you either do whatever this is we have to do or you're permanently grounded. I'm on the same terms as you, you know how Cyclone feels about me. We're on the same team"

"I guess" You murmur just as a knock on the door comes. Ant pokes his head round, biting his lip nervously as you hold up a finger, a silent plea for him to give you a minute. "Fine, I'll do it. But if anyone asks, I did this of my own free will and my father did not have to call me begging. That's embarrassing for you"

Pete chuckled down the phone, bidding you a goodbye as you put the phone on your desk and rested your head in the palms of your hands.

"If it's any consolation, I've been called back too" Ant says, snapping you out of your trance. He's behind you now, massaging your shoulders. He's tense too, you can feel it in his movements. "Someone else has been called back as well, I bet Mav didn't mention that on the phone"

"He didn't need to" You reply, craning your neck to look up at him. Ant and you had met years ago when you were both stationed somewhere sunny, neither of you cared enough to remember where. You were both Top Gun graduates, and he was your new back seater after your last guy had a panic attack in the air and quit, much like a story your dad told you about someone he knew years ago.

The two of you regularly joked that you were twin flames, he was a brother from another mother, Sonic and Tails, Femme and Fatale. You could read each other like a book, and he was the first person to not have any expectations of you or your skills in the cockpit after realising who your father was.

Ant smiled lovingly down at you, leaning slightly down to wrap his forearms around you in a hug. You reached up to hold his wrist, leaning back slightly, welcoming the embrace.

"It'll be fine" He murmured, pressing a quick and friendly kiss to your temple before releasing his hold on you. "We're only there for three weeks, it'll be over before you know it, and we'll be back in this shithole teaching these men how to make fire"

You chuckled, nodding along slowly.

"I better pack a bag" You say, pushing yourself out of the chair. "When Top Gun calls, I better come a-running"

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

The air is thick and the sun is hot, a sharp contrast to your last location. Ant walks slightly ahead of you, abandoning your duffel bags in the trunk of his car and pushing his sunglasses up his nose. The sound of the waves crashing nearby was somewhat calming in comparison to the pounding in your head. Despite the somewhat idyllic scenery, you would rather be anywhere but here.

Your jeans were sticking to your legs as you felt a bead of sweat roll down your back. You couldn't tell whether it was from nerves or from the blistering heat, either way, you'd rather be somewhere with air conditioning.

"Mav said he'd be in there" Ant says, pointing ahead of him at a beachside bar. The sign read 'The Hard Deck', with small LED planes flying around the slogan, lighting the sand around it blue. Of course your dad would be here, probably scoping out some poor fresh-meat naval aviators to scare the daylights out of.

"Stop talking to my dad" You roll your eyes and walk ahead towards the entrance of the bar as soon as you felt a cool breeze coming from the general vicinity.

"Hey! Maybe if you spoke to him more, I wouldn't have to be the middleman!" Ant hollers from behind you, picking up his pace to catch up with you.

Your dog tags smacked against your chest as you stepped up towards the bar, scouting the room out for any sign of your father. He was on the other side of the bar, tormenting the bartender most likely. Ant waved at him from behind you, gaining his attention as he nodded for the two of you to join him at the other side of the bar.

"Sonic" He nods at Ant. "Dovey" He opens his arms for a hug, a rare sight, and even though every neuron in your brain was screaming at you to leave him standing there with open arms like some sort of theme park attraction, you just couldn't resist a hug from your dad. In his arms, you felt like a little girl again, who's dad didn't hurt her, who's dad didn't run off, who's dad didn't introduce her to the first and only boy to ever break her heart.

"Hi, dad" You say, hugging him round the middle tightly as his hand rubbed your back.

"I got you two a drink" He replies, pulling away from the embrace and sliding two glasses towards you. Ant picks his up, chugging the concoction immediately and scuttling off down the bar, no doubt on purpose. He does this every time, makes some sort of excuse to leave you and your father alone together so he doesn't 1) witness the awkwardness of the interaction, and 2) be caught in the crossfire of the inevitable argument the two of you end up having.

"We don't have to do this, dad" You say, guzzling your own drink before slamming it back down on the bar. Malt whiskey, at least he remembered your drink of choice. "We don't have to attempt to mend whatever this relationship is just because we're working together, because in three weeks I'm gonna be back in Bosnia or wherever it was I was booted off to, and we won't talk for months and it'll just start all over again"

"I'm glad we're on track" He smiled at you, resting a hand on your shoulder, thumping it in a friendly manor. "I'll see you tomorrow, kid" And with that, your father was walking down the bar towards the bartender as you turned around to find Ant at the pool table, with some more aviators in their khaki's.

He nods his head for you to join, but you shake your head and turn back around, leaning your elbows on the bar, losing yourself in your thoughts.

The last time you were at Top Gun, this bar had been less than pretty. It was grotty, sticky floors and all. The jukebox would play the same fragmented verse of some random 80s ballad on repeat, and the place always had an almost fusty smell from years of beer and other spirits being spilt on the floor and bar. The bartender's were just as unrecognisable, and, looking over at your father, you wouldn't be surprised if he had some sort of history with the woman leaning over to ring the bell that sat happily above you.

You chuckled to yourself as a couple men in khaki's hauled your dad out and onto the sand, he probably deserved it. Just as you were about to join Ant, the bartender turned to you.

"Y/N, right?" She smiled at you. You blinked at her and nodded, your bottom lip caught between your teeth. "I'm Penny, Pete and I are old friends" She pushed another glass of malt whiskey towards you.

"It's on the house" She continued. "He never stops talking about you" Her eyebrows furrowed, as if waiting for your reaction, but all you did was lift the glass to your lips and raise an eyebrow back.

"Surprising" You reply, putting the glass down. "I never talk about him"

"He said you'd say something like that" You both chuckled. Penny had a comforting aura about her, something motherly and warm. You wondered what someone like her saw in someone like your father. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you're dad is a good guy deep down. Took me a while to believe it too. Just- I know you're gonna be working together for the next few weeks, so try not to let the fact that he's sometimes a dick get in the way of whatever it is that you need to do. From what I've heard, you're a fantastic pilot, Mav has some competition"

You smile at her, grateful for her words of wisdom, but just as you open your mouth to reply, the door to the bar swings open and the sounds of cheers from the aviators behind you fill the room.

Suddenly, Ant is behind you, resting his hands either side of you on the bar so you're back is flush with his chest, creating a human shield of some sorts.

"OK, don't look" He says, staring dead ahead. "But Bradley just walked in" Your eyes went wide as Penny pursed her lips and walked off to the other patrons, leaving you pushed up against the bar nursing a drink. "He has a-" Ant cuts himself off, furrowing his eyebrows. "He has a pornstache?"

"What?" You reply, ducking under his arm to escape his embrace before he could stop you.

Immediately, your eyes were attached to the tallest man in the bar, you wouldn't have missed him even if you were blindfolded. He was more muscular than the last time you saw him, and his hair was slightly golden, like it always was when he spent too much time in the sun, telling you he had been here for a while. Those stupid aviator glasses were still plastered to his face, like they had been for the last decade, and he was still sporting Hawaiian shirts like they were going out of fashion. His clothes hugged him deliciously, and you're suddenly reminded of all the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place.

Ant was right, he had grown a pornstache, and you hated to admit it, but you don't think you had ever seen him look so good. It had been five years since you saw him last, five years since your relationship had ended. Your father had introduced you two at some Navy event just after you had graduated from Top Gun. You knew who he was, of course, you had seen photos of him hung around your dad's apartment, you were fairly sure Pete had more pictures of him than he did you.

He smiled at you, with that stupid fucking smile, and immediately you were a goner. He introduced himself, offering you a glass of champagne and a seat at the table next to him, and for four months after that you were inseparable. He made you feel like the only girl in the world, and he looked at you like he had the whole world in the palm of his hand. He was the first, and only man, you had loved fully, with every little bit of your heart and soul, so much so that he was the first face to appear in your head when you woke up, and the last face you pictured before you fell asleep.

You hadn't seen him since he broke your heart half a decade ago, leaving you a shell of yourself for no apparent reason other than the fact that he 'couldn't make it work.' To this day, you don't know what 'it' is, what 'it' he was referring to, you can only imagine he was talking about long distance, your jobs constantly forcing you to be apart, but the years of maturing and growth made you see the bigger picture. He just didn't want you anymore. He had had his fun, he had dicked about with Pete Mitchell's daughter, became a naval celebrity, and then fucked off when the novelty of you had worn off.

"Earth to Y/N!" Ant bellowed, waving his hand in your face. You were snapped out of your trance. "I said do you wanna leave?"

You shook your head, nervously fiddling with the dog tags around your neck. "No, it's ok. Just- we'll avoid him" Ant nodded, passing you the drink you had abandoned haphazardly on the bar. You drank the rest of its contents, watching Bradley like a hawk.

Ant scoffed next to you, he knew what you meant by 'avoiding' him, you would sit at the bar, keeping your distance but your eyes locked on him until he noticed you. And when he would notice you, you would crap yourself and leave and then cry yourself to sleep as Ant would nurse you when you dry heaved from sobbing. He had been here one too many times before, Bradley's name has to merely come up in conversation for you to spiral.

"Sonic, I'm serious" You say, turning your back to Bradley and leaning on the bar once again. "Me and you are gonna have fun, and then we're gonna go back to the apartment and order a pizza and then go to bed. I'm not letting some man get me down-"

You're cut off by the sound of the piano behind you, and you don't even need to turn around to know that it's Bradley's fingers expertly playing the keys, and you don't even need to turn around to know that your dad is probably pressed up against the window paying more attention to the guy at the piano than his daughter who's drinking her own sorrows at the bar.

Ant sighed. "If you say so."

[republikkkanorcs]

F—k you Bernie! Fair weather friend and opportunist. Your pride and misogny led to you and your bros protesting Hillary right up to the moment when she was nominated. You sat there at the convention falsely saying she was imminently going to be indicted and arrested. Then you made no significant effort to get your bros to vote for her. By dredging up decades of debunked Republican propaganda you tarnished her so badly she lost to Trump which was the root of this whole mess we’re facing now.

You are the main reason Trump won in ‘16. Had the orange mother f—ker lost he would have scurried back into his hole and not created the nationwide Neo-Nazi MAGA movement. And considering the amount of time you have spent in the Senate your record sucks. More than half of the few things you’ve gotten passed were renaming post offices so shut the f—k up. Your bros may have ignored your misogny towards Clinton, Warren, and Harris but the rest of us haven’t you egotistical f—k.

You god-damned Dem-Socialists want the Democratic Party to fail and that’s your long game. You want this so you can anoint yourself leader of a new cult party. Dragging the Democrats before the Republikkkans are smashed is going to cause a lot of hardship for the American people now. Maybe if your lackeys in the Squad hadn’t blamed Biden for what Netanyahu was doing Harris might have been elected. Your nonsense about Dems being to far right of center is complete bullshit propaganda. If you can’t bring yourself yo be a team player when democracy is literally on the line you need to get out of the way. You never organized your bros to help Biden or Harris. The only thing you should be blasting is your old man Vermont Cabot Cheese farts you miserable misogynistic bastard.

[marvelmaniac715]

Here’s what I remember about Modern Doctor Who episodes which I have never rewatched (it’s been quite a while since I watched all the episodes back to back at the end of last year and throughout this year) but there’s a character limit so I’m cut off:

The Unquiet Dead - Ghosts and Charles Dickens and Rose’s first trip to the past with Nine

Aliens of London/World War Three - Farting Slitheen family aliens, politics and Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North then Prime Minister (yes, I know who she is)

Dalek - I screamed when I saw a Dalek levitate up the stairs, Rose imprints on a museum Dalek, the Doctor tells a Dalek to die and we meet Adam

School Reunion - K9, Sarah Jane, brain boosting chips and kids who do coding

The Girl in the Fireplace - Reinette, “I’m the Doctor and I just snogged Madame de Pompadour”, banana daiquiri, ‘I Could Have Danced All Night’, fake drunk Doctor insulting Mickey with the adjective “thick” , a horse that the Doctor can’t keep and a spaceship (I’ve seen so many TikTok edits so I know more about this one despite only watching it once)

Rise of the Cybermen/The Age of Steel - Rich Jackie in alternate world, living Pete, alternate Mickey, Rose the Yorkshire Terrier, Doctor and Rose as waiters, and the Cybermen

The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit - Satan himself, a possessed guy with pen on his face and introduction to the Ood

Love and Monsters - Absorvaloff, “wrong bucket”, LINDA, ‘Mr Blue Sky’, Jackie flirting with the protagonist and Elton John

Army of Ghosts/Doomsday - Cybermen, our first glimpse of modern day Torchwood, “I did my duty” and the devastating loss of Rose

Smith and Jones - Introduction to the BAMF Martha Jones, a platoon of Judoon on the moon and an old lady with a straw

Gridlock - Bad traffic, mood patches, Face of Boe says “You Are Not Alone” and a woman has a basket of cats with a cat man

Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks - Andrew Garfield, pig man, human Dalek, Empire State Building, Tallulah and the Great Depression (I distinctly remember sarcastically asking “is the Doctor going to stop the Great Depression?”)

42 - “Burn with me”, the sun and a quiz, aside from that I really don’t remember (hated this episode)

Blink - The Weeping Angels who give me the creeps, peeling off wallpaper to reveal a message from the Doctor, the Doctor’s dvd messages and Sally Sparrow (I physically cannot rewatch this because I instinctively stop blinking whenever I see the Angels and I don’t want my eyes to dry out so I’ll give this one a skip even though it is great)

The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End - Missing planets, Shadow Proclamation, insane vortex Dalek, Davros himself, a major epic team up with everyone from all over the Whoniverse and the devastating loss of Donna Noble’s memories

Planet of the Dead - “Hello, I’m the Doctor, happy Easter”, a bus, “He will knock four times” and Lady Christina (I think that’s her name anyway) being a thief and turned down flat when she tries to be a companion

The Beast Below - Happy and sad robot things and a very young looking Queen in space

Victory of the Daleks - Human Dalek guy, “Would you care for some tea?” and Winston Churchill being involved in a fight against Daleks

The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone - Return of River Song my QUEEN, Weeping Angels again, “That which holds the image of an angel becomes an angel” and the church army

The Vampires of Venice - Fish vampires, Venice, “then we will take your world” and the Doctor jumping out of a stag-do cake

Amy’s Choice - Dream pollen, Peruvian folk band with ponchos, pregnancy and sinister old people

The Hungry Earth/Cold Blood - Silurians, Amy being dressed for a much warmer country and a young boy who I affectionately dubbed ‘Exposition Child’ and promptly forgot the actual name of

The Lodger - Fake upstairs apartment, my city being the setting (not filmed there btw) and James Corden being… himself

The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang - Big villain team up, River becomes the sun, a fez is yeeted into the distance never to be seen again, plastic Roman Rory, Cleopatra River and the Doctor gives an epic speech

The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon - Child River, the Doctor dies and it’s very creepy

Night Terrors - Creepy dolls singing nursery rhymes, an old lady eaten by a bin, a man swallowed by his floor and an alien child overreacting to an extreme level

The Girl Who Waited - Old Amy and the Doctor lying to Rory to kill a version of Amy (not a cool thing to do)

Closing Time - Cybermen, Stormageddon, the Doctor working in a shop and James Corden 2: The Cordening

The Wedding of River Song - The Doctor doesn’t time so time goes weird, the Doctor gets hitched and I really can’t remember much else

The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe - Narnia ripoff with trees and Matt Smith falls out of a hammock then attempts to play it off like it was part of the scene in the script

Asylum of the Daleks - Dalek eye stalk on humans, Amy hallucinates whilst becoming a Dalek, a pointless divorce and Clara Oswin the soufflé making Dalek

Dinosaurs on a Spaceship - Dinosaurs and Rory’s amazing dad who has a trowel (also the Doctor has a Christmas list)

A Town Called Mercy - A horse called Susan who wants their owner to respect their life choices, the Doctor in a brand new hat and general Western vibes

The Angels Take Manhattan - Weeping Angel Statue of Liberty, more River and we lose Amy and Rory forever but there’s a nice mystery book with a foreword from Amy so it’s all okay

Cold War - Submarine and an Ice Warrior

Hide - 1970s ghost plot (didn’t like it)

Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS - FINALLY we see much more of the TARDIS!

Nightmare in Silver - Cybermen, ungrateful kids and Warwick Davis

Into the Dalek - Rusty says “You are a good Dalek”, Clara meets Danny Pink and cares so the Doctor doesn’t have to

Listen - Orson Pink, Dan the Soldier Man, the Doctor whips out his dad skills and fear is a superpower

Time Heist - Big bank heist and people with flat heads

Kill the Moon - Courtney from Coal Hill (glad she didn’t come back) and an uncomfortable allegory involving the moon being an egg

Mummy on the Orient Express - A train with a killing Mummy and Clara in a great outfit and bob haircut

Flatline - Rigsy, graffiti, tiny TARDIS with the Doctor trapped inside and scary vibes

In the Forest of the Night - Danny leads a school trip, there’s trees, one of the kids is played by the girl that used to voice Peppa Pig and I think at one point it tells kids not to take their medication? I got a bit confused with this one

Last Christmas - Santa and murdering dream worms

Under the Lake/Before the Flood - Bootstrap paradox monologue straight to camera (“Google it”), and the Doctor’s apology cards

Sleep No More - ‘Mr Sandman’ and eye crust

Oxygen - Capitalist space suits, a blue guy and the Doctor goes blind

The Pyramid at the End of the World/The Lie of the Land - The scary Monks rewrite history, Bill’s mum inadvertently changes things, Missy is iconic as always and Bill makes a bad deal

Empress of Mars - Ice Warriors and “God save the Queen” written on Mars

The Eaters of Light - Crows can talk, and Missy CRIES

The Woman Who Fell To Earth - We meet Thirteen and there’s a guy with teeth in his face

The Ghost Monument - Race and sunglasses

Arachnids in the UK - Spiders and Trump

The Tsuranga Conundrum - Pregnant man

Demons of the Punjab - Yaz’s grandmother and racism to aliens

It Takes You Away - Norway, Wooly Rebellion and talking frog

The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos - Teeth Guy

Resolution - Human woman possessed by a Dalek

Nikola Tesla’s Night of Terror - Boredom

Fugitive of the Judoon - Fugitive Doctor and Judoon

Praxeus - Boring mould

Can You Hear Me? - Nightmares

Ascension of the Cybermen - Irish boy is the Doctor

Revolution of the Daleks - Captain Jack!

The Flux - Boring aside from Dan

The three specials - Timeloop, Sea Devils and regeneration

[thatstoomanysausages]

is Scott in your funky life thing (can’t spell sorry)

He is not! But not for long‼️‼️💥💥

GAY RIGHTS🏳️‍🌈‼️‼️‼️😭😭(Tomodachi Life)

- CuteGuy has been changed to Ariana Griande just because of how feminine I made CuteGuy😭, bear with, I’ll make CG again)

- As always I have short term memory loss and I forget if I have said this but: Lizzie and Pearl are besties

- I feel like I’ve said it before

- Getting Deja vu

- Just let it happen

- Grian: “It feels like I’ve known Joe all my life” The duo I never knew I needed

- Cuteguy has a fucking incredible poker face btw

- Iscared a fart out of BigB

- I gave Etho a ballet manual and now he is spinning in pirouettes around the room😭

- Tango is dreaming about being seaweed… good for him ig😀

- I got fried seafood as a gift😭

- Tango told me to go to Pearl cause she had a story to tell me and she’s saying FUCK ALL😭😭

- All men do is lie

- Joe and Ella (Pearl and Ren’s child) are friends ‼️‼️‼️‼️ COOL UNCLE VIBES‼️

- Martyn did an impression of Timmy and he just sounded the same but I can’t tell if the impression was shit or I made them have the same voice😭😭

- Joel wants to take Jimmy on a date oh my god😭😭

- The beach for sure😍

- HotGuy and Poultry man have had a fight guys

- I gave HG crisps and he calmed down instantly 😭😭 me

- Okay they made up

- That was rlly anticlimactic ‼️

- Joel and Jim are on the beach while they are both wearing dresses, one of which being a maid dress😭😭😭 PLEASE

- So… did a a judgement bay thing which is basically “choose a side”

- I drew a dick and vag on each side

- 16:4 (dick wins)

- Here are some honourable mentions:

- For dick:

- Etho: A kid would definitely choose this (😨 I mean… he’s not wrong😭)

- Tango: I went on my instinct (okay… go king..?)

- HotGuy: this is basically the only choice (gay rights‼️‼️ bisexual allegations destroyed in one fell swoop)

- Jimmy: This choice just feels right (I wanna say a slur rn…😟)

- Martyn: It makes the most sense (to you babes… to you)

- Grian: This is okay, isn’t it? (The internalised homophobia is crazy😭 (so real))

- Ariana Griande: There’s more than one correct answer (BISEXUAL QUEEN😍😍😍)

- And for the vag side (the correct one):

- Skizz: This one! My reasons are secret (my first day at high school, I hope no one notices I’m straight!!🥺🥺)

- Joel: A kid would definitely choose this (Pls Joel not you too😭😭)

- Lizzie: This one is so grown up (real! Liking vag is a very maturing experience😍😍😍😍 (I’m aroace))

- Okay, now: 3rd Life vs Last Life vs Double Life vs Limited Life

- 4:2:9:5‼️

- Mumbo (3rd): To tell the truth, I have no idea (yh cause you weren’t there babes😭)

- Grian (Double): This is basically the only choice (Yeah okay😭 Gayass)

- Scar (Double): Unbelievably, it’s a good choice (why both of you😭)

- Impulse (Double): I was under pressure to go here (😭HAHA)

- Pearl (Limited): A noice wouldn’t know to go to this one (SO TRUE‼️ LIMITED LIFE🔛🔝‼️)

- Did a men vs women vs both vs none

- Both won🩷💜💙 bisexual rights

- And to the surprise of no one, Grian and Scar were in the men’s section😭

- Ren, the only one in none: I was under pressure to go here (okay aroace with a wife king)

- TANGO IS IN LOVE

- WITH JOEEEEEE

- GAY RIGHTTSSSSSS

- yes confess in your flamenco dress

- JOE GHOSTED HIM

- OH MY GOD

- “He didn’t even show up…” ARE YOU FUCKINF SERIOUS😭😭😭😭😭

- HES DEPRESSED

- I’ll hyponise him… yes😍

- It did not work👍😍

- He’s kinda a buzzkill to be around😬

- Anyway

- SCOTT SMAJOR IS HERE‼️‼️‼️